Senior (Citizen) Class Trip - Summer 2024

Important Travel Tips.

A) Even IF you do have your boarding pass printed out beforehand AND you’re not checking any bags, you still should give yourself more than 30 minutes to get to the plane. 

B) Yes, my Clear Creek T-shirt and cargo shorts wouldn’t generally scream “One way ticket to Heaven”, but my knee brace was a definite Red Flag. I got the full treatment. Okay, not the, you know, THAT search but my knee brace got a wipe down. I can now say with pride, confidence, and puzzlement that this piece of foam rubber and cloth isn’t harboring any drugs, explosives, or anything else on the “Don’t Even Think About It” TSA list. Just an old wobbly knee joint. 

C) As you can imagine, all that wand waving and wiping got me a tad bit anxious to get out of there. I grabbed my shoes, phone, and computer bag and went to find Wendi; who was also getting eager to get to our now boarding plane. For some reason, the boarding pass I printed off at home had everything on it except a gate number. We trundled up to an Alaska Airlines desk and asked. That’s when Wendi looked down and asked a very important question.

    “Brian, where’s your luggage?”

D) Losing your luggage on a very busy Sunday? Not fun. Scrambling around that airport trying to retrace my steps? Also, not fun. Wendi asked me if I could have left it at security.

  Once I found the correct security station,  (after having checked two other ones nearby) they did have the bag. Of course, it had to go through the scanner again but this was a small price to pay for clean underwear and socks. (Thank the Lord none of these Team TSA noticed my suspicious knee!) 

E)  Before going on my quick and frantic walk about, I handed Wendi our boarding passes and hotel confirmation. She promptly left everything on the seat next to her. 

F) Gate 3 was a shuttle away. Not knowing what would happen when we got there, we took the shuttle.  

G) As the Alaska Airlines employee at the boarding gate was doing a last call for flight 402, two sweaty frantic looking folks showed up and breathlessly started telling their sad story The nice lady just told us to get on the plane. We were the last ones to board. 

  So, it was a rough start to our D.C. Adventure. Couple of notes before signing off for the night. First, only I was sweating. Wendi remained calm and collected the entire time. And just a bit perturbed through much of it. 

  Also, that 2 seconds between Wendi asking about my luggage and me looking down at the empty space where it should have been? 

  Yeah, THAT moment is forever etched into my brain. And, because my brain hates me, I will be re-seeing that moment at inopportune times for the rest of my life. Thanks, Brain! 

  I’m sure others have experienced the phenomena described above: your brain flashing stupid and/or dangerous events in your life at you just for the hell of it. I’ll need to figure out a term for when your brain just. won’t. let. it. go. Stay tuned. 

(The view from our condo’s door.)

—————

Day 2

So, here is our living situation. We’re staying at the Hilton Grand Vacation: The District. Yes, that is confusing. Anyone can stay here but us Hilton Grand Vacation members get to stay on the top three floors. Basically, we’re extra special: discounts at the restaurant, our own concierge, and they set out cookies for us. Take that, huddled masses! 

  The rooms have windows looking outside and windows that look out into the atrium. (That’s the photo above.) The three elevators all are completely glass so folks who don’t like heights (like me) can stare at the elevator door. 

  As part of our HGV awesomeness, we get free breakfast and two drinks during the bar’s happy hour. Thus far, we haven’t made it to either. A great tragedy. Wendi didn’t sleep at all last night and so slept in till mid-morning. And we were starving come early evening and so passed on four (4!) virgin Bloody Mary’s.

  I should be a better person.

…

  Today was all about The Mall. We walked there and to a bunch of monuments and memorials. 

  And now I know the difference between those two words. According to my phone’s pedometer, we logged about 16K steps. 

  All this while enjoying very humid 90 degree weather. Tomorrow should be slightly cooler. And our destination shall be two, maybe three of the Smithsonian museums. 

  The Vietnam Memorial did its job well. Lincoln and Washingtons’ edifices were awe inspiring: like the men themselves. Inspiring but the Vietnam Memorial was very moving. Wendi asked if I wanted a photo but it didn’t seem…right. Wouldn’t capture serious vibe. Didn’t know any of those men and women on that wall but every one of them raised their right hands and took the same oath as I did back in the 80s. 

As Harold did in the 40s. 

Tom and Gordon in the 60s.

And my cousin Adam in the 2000s. 

We happy few…✋

  By late afternoon, we were beat but spent at least 20 minutes trying to get a Lyft. Our first driver managed to park on the opposite side of Pennsylvania Avenue. By the time we got across this busy street, he had decided to move on. Really wish Lyft had a way for me to write a review of THAT fucking idiot. 

  A second driver eventually showed and took us home. Only two miles but took us almost twenty minutes. It would have been quicker to walk but Wahid had the A\C cranked up and so we tipped him well. 

  New discovery made at Chef Geoff’s restaurant: putting a light misting of hot honey on your pepperoni pizza makes it even more delicious(er).

  With Hurricane Debby meandering her way up the east coast, we have some rainy days coming up. Since the Hardys packed exclusively for hot, sunny weather, we’re wondering if we should buy any foul weather gear. The one complimentary umbrella in this condo might be enough. 

—————

Day 3

Yeah, we made it to one: The Smithsonian Natural History Museum. Wendi could not get to sleep so we got a very late start to our day. This was the case throughout the entire trip though she did get up a bit earlier each morning. Anyway, the museum rocked. Our favorite by far. Sadly, due to our late start and it closing at 5:30, we maybe saw half of it? What might we have learned about mammals, oceans, and insects? Who knows? We managed the dinosaur and gem wings.

(No thanks!)

(You can just make out the look of longing on Wendi’s face.) 

—————

Day 4 

 A slightly earlier start. As we headed out to the curb to meet our Lyft, we saw this beautiful sight.

(Suck it, Rich Man!) 

 Because we weren’t sure about our start time, we (I) had more of a play it by ear plan for the day. We stopped by the Air&Space Museum first. Like all things Smithsonian, there was no entrance fee but you are required to register an entrance time by 8:30 each morning. 11:30 is well past 8:30 so we just decided to amble down street to see what perked our interest. The first one we came to was the Hirshorn Museum of Modern. We weren’t that excited at the prospect of seeing a bunch of toilet seats and paper mache rocks but it was free and air conditioned. Glad we took the chance. Yes, there were a few “What the hell?” displays.

 And yeah, thanks to a lot of studying for quiz bowl back in high school (Thanks, Mr. HOTELL!), I know the above is a Jackson Pollock “masterpiece”, but in my (non)humble opinion, it is a Jackson Pollock Masterpiece of Crap. Art, especially the visual arts can either 

 A) Look like a thing, This painting looks like Lady Twattlesworth. or… 

B) Promote or Disparage a thing, Note how magnificent the young Henry the VIII looked in his armor. or… 

C) Evoke some sort of feeling. See how evil the Germans were to bomb this poor little Spanish village?!! 

Or any combination of the three. 

A whole lot of what was on display fit into a fourth category: Convincing some rich wanker to part with some money. 

 And then.. 

 We entered a huge room that was all one piece of art by Laurie Anderson. It was stunning. Both Wendi and I were just gobsmacked and easily could have spent an hour in that room.

Some portions made me laugh out loud.

While other parts made me wipe away a tear.

When we finally went on to the next exhibits, Wendi and I both agreed that this was the best single thing we saw at any museum. So, I’m glad we decided to go. 

We had a little bit more time and so went to Freer Museum of Asian Art next door. It had Asian Art. Lots and lots of Asian Art. And not to be dismissive; it was all very impressive but we got to Art Overload after an hour or so. After a quick dinner, we took a three hour bus tour of DC. Had we had more time, each one of these monuments would have been worth a separate trip but we didn’t and so whirlwind it was. It hit all the Biggies:

 The first two filled me with patriotic fervor. Jefferson? Mixed bag. Intellectually brilliant? Check. Wise? Less so. It’s this country’s great fortune that our first president was his polar opposite. Then it was onto MLK and the Marine Corps. Impressive both but we were pretty knackered by tour’s end. Every time you stay at a Hilton, they’ll ask you if you want to hear about all the new awesome things Hilton has to offer. It’s a sales pitch but it had been four years since our last one and it was only going to be an hour and they’d pay us $200, we figured it was worth it. Since we’ve always been quite happy with our Silver Club Status, it’s not like we were going to spend any money. 

 ————— 

Day 5

So, we’re now Gold Status. Darn you, Troy!! Yeah, they got us and we missed the complimentary breakfast (Wendi was really jonesing for some scrambled eggs) but, even with a day to ponder it, we think it is and will be worth it. I’ve been talking about wanting to travel; especially once retirement kicks in and this change will make that easier. One new perk was that we could use the Owner’s Club at that Hilton. It’s a lounge with breakfast and dinner buffets and evening drinks. A bit like what the masses enjoy down on the ground floor of the Hilton only, you know, better. We got a lot of use out of it in the remaining day and a half. Hindsight being… hindsightful, we really should have signed up on day one and saved a crapton on restaurant bills. Then it was off to American History. It was impressive. Any place where you can see both this:

And this:

is worth an afternoon. So, it was back to our Exclusive Owner’s Club for dinner and then back to our room. 

 ————— 

 Day 6 

 Our last day in D.C. started with a bang. Or rather, a loud buzz coming from our cell phones.

 And then this text from Hilton. 

 Greetings! We just received a national weather service alert for Tornado warning until 8:45am EDT & Flash flood until 11:10am EDT. Kindly stay away from windows 

Huh. 

Did NOT plan for this eventuality. We just stayed in our room, chillaxing till noon. 

Then had lunch at “our” club. Having actually reserved a time at Air and Space, we went there. 

The first thing you saw upon entering was a huge hit with the parents and grandparents but much less so with the children.

 While there, we saw all the Big Attractions: the Wright Brothers plane, the space capsules from the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo programs, the (ha-ha) “Waste Management” devices worn while in said capsules (Below)Also there were Leonard Nimoy’s ears. (Well, the ones he wore in the show).

Our two biggest takeaways from this trip were that Orville and Wilber have really gotten a bum rap from the history books. They weren’t just clever bicycle makers who tinkered around with airplanes in their spare time. They did science; going through what was then known about aerodynamics, testing that knowledge, using their own home built wind tunnel and then improving upon it. Next, they used that knowledge and their engineering skills to build, test, improve. 

Finally, the brothers used their business and marketing skills to basically start a whole new industry. The only comparable figure I can think of is Edison. Hats off to you Bros! 

The other takeaway? Take a look at this thing.

When you get up close, the first thought that comes to mind is: “What a piece of junk.” 

The second thought: “Two men lived in this for two weeks.” 

Finally: “However did they fit into those space suits with the Massive Balls they must have had?!?” So, like with The Brothers, my trip to the museum made me even more appreciative of our past American Heroes. Good job, Smithsonian. 

 After that, it was back to the Hilton for dinner and a relaxing evening. 

 This morning,I started with time honored tradition of “Brian Tries to Eat All The Leftovers in the Fridge”. Actually, I just tossed out the one hard boiled eggs and returned yesterday’s untouched banana to the breakfast buffet downstairs. We both got up early enough to have breakfast downstairs; Wendi finally getting her longed-for scrambled eggs.

Because of our previous experience, we got to Dulles plenty early. It was pretty empty so we buzzed right though. And we both kept a very sharp eye on all of our bags. 

And now, we’re flying back home. Since the pilot just announced that we’re at the midpoint, I seem to have a bit of extra time to jot down some reflections on this trip. 

A) This was our first vacation where we used Lyft to get around. Even though some of the trips were a bit more… thrilling than we’re used to, and a couple times, I clicked on the wrong destination, the convenience outweighed the downside. 

B) This was a first for my using Apple Wallet also. Like last year at Disneyland, if you don’t have a modern mobile; don’t even bother coming. 

C) As part of our Hilton Grand Vacation status, we could have each gotten two free drinks at the downstairs bar each evening. In addition, as platinum people, we could have had free beer and wine at the Club. In years past we would have used these perks to their maximum effect. This trip, we didn’t do either. To say that I didn’t miss it would be untrue but I am positive we got more out of our trip without it. 

D) On an even more personal note (aren’t you glad you made it this far?), due to a medical procedure last month, I’m currently taking a large dose of Pyridium every day. One of the side effects of this medication is that I now have bright orange urine. Like orange paint pee. Physiology and hydrodynamics being what they are, I and more embarrassingly Wendi, have gotten a good look at my (to borrow a Dungeons and Dragons term) “splash damage”. Basically, I’m walking around with my own C.S.I. Looking forward to finishing this regimen and going back to the Land of Ignorance. Plus, tired of having to do a two-flush at the urinal. 

E) As was the case for last year’s Disney trip, Wendi continued in her role as Seeing Eye Spouse. While out and about, I took note of “everything around” and “whatever is coming up next”. Wendi focused on our “in front of and happening right now”. Despite some near misses with my elbows and her nose, I think we make a good team. And on that happy note, I think it’s time to wrap this up. Thanks for making it to the end. 

The end.

Disneyland 2023

Summer 2023 

Preface  

(The trip had an even earlier Bad Omen from a week before the vacation. As you can see, Wendi’s brand new travel sun hat wasn’t really built for a petite woman.)

AND SO THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!

Friday

Ah, you perhaps see the fatal flaw in our vacation plans for this summer. 

(We didn't until the very sympathetic concierge  pointed it out.) 

The Peacock had one night free but are kicking us out at 10:00 AM. 

Fortunately, we found an even nicer place nearby with a vacancy. We can even use our Hilton Honors points.  

Great for us but it bodes ill for the local economy.  

Saturday

Day 1 

 Well, at least the Anaheim Hilton is much nicer than the Peacock. We Lyfted (“Lyft: Why Not Go With The Slightly Lesser Evil?”) over here at 9:55 and they  checked us right in. At an extra $60 Early Check in Fee. Worth it.  

 After dropping off our bags, we zipped down  to the gift shop and bought a big tub of Albino Brand Sun Screen and then went back up stairs and troweled on at least $6’s worth. We did not  want our trip ruined by sunburn. I further  protected myself by wearing my Coastie hat. (No, Janet, it was more than just a hat.) 

 And in finest Semper Paratus fashion, I loaded  up all 27 of my pockets with more sunscreen,  aspirin, Tylenol, glasses cleaner, a mask, Dude wipes, hand sanitizer, my mid-day Rx medications, charging cable and, of course wallet and phone. Pretty sure I could have  lasted at least a week without too much  difficulty. 

 Wendi decidedthat Fabulousness was worth the extra risk and so wore her brand new duds. 

 This is a photo of us (her) on the Mark Twain riverboat. You can see why at least $5 of that sunscreen money was lavished on her. 

 And she’s well worth it!  

One of my few attempts at a selfie occurred right after the above photo. I’m sure you can see Mrs. Hardy’s Great Displeasure at her hubbie’s idea of holding his brand new phone over the railing to get the  shot. 

 I thought thought the phone never really  cleared the plane of the railing but am wise  enough not argue the point.  

 For the five-ish hours we were there today, we  road the train that goes (went?) all around the  park, Winnie the Pooh’s Great Adventure, Haunted Mansion. In addition to the riverboat.  The train gave us a reasonable picture of the  park’s layout. Wendi wanted to go on the Great Adventure and, well, it was a very short line.   HM was one of our “Must Go Ons” and in order to not spend 30+ minutes in line, slowly broiling, we used that day’s Genie+ Fast Pass. Totally worth it.  

 The Mansion was enjoyable but if we had been forced to wait in the standby line forever, with  the Common People, I don’t think we would  have enjoyed it as much.  

 Pretty much every use of the Fast (or  Lightning) Pass was like that. The ride was great  but No Stinking Way would we have waited 45 minutes for it.  

 By mid-afternoon, we were feeling a might bit  peckish, really sticky, and one of us wanted to  use a familiar bathroom so we headed back to  our room with the idea that we would regroup/refresh (and poop) and return back to the park  when it wasn’t so hot and crowded.  

 Yeah, once we peeled off our icky clothing, got clean (and again: pooped), Wendi started  feeling tired and so we decided to just have a nice dinner here at the hotel and chill. We  picked the first restaurant we came to and had some very good burgers. The one downside was that  for most of the meal, we were the ONLY diners. It was a bit uncomfortable. Second dinner out in a row with lots of boding.    

 After dinner, Wendi was too cold to go on so we spent the next hour or so cuddling in bed.  Can I balance a checkbook? Not a chance! Can I make cargo shorts and a Star Wars tee-shirt look anything but shlubbly? As if! Will I ever be able to satis- 

 OKAY! Okay! We get your point! But what I AM good at is being warm. Top 99th percentile in giving off heat so I am an excellent mobile hot water bottle for my usually cold wife.   Mrs. Hardy got just warm enough to brave a  short tour of the hotel where we discovered the  pool, the lanai, what a lanai is, the laundromat,  the workout room, several additional eateries,  and picked up some makeup remover.  

 We got big plans for tomorrow but they all  start with getting a good nights sleep.   I am putting the phone down…now. 

Sunday 

Day 2: Hitting the Groove  

First of all, we slept in. Both of us. It’s amazing  what an absence of hungry cats at 6:00 AM will  do.  

Then, it was a quick trip down to the Starbucks  for $30 worth of product. Since we’re using our Hilton points for this trip, we get that amount covered at any of the eateries on the property. I missed this detail our first day here and the loss  of that “free” trip to Starbucks will haunt me for  decades. 

 Once caffeinated and dressed, we headed out.  One thing of note was that I carried a whole lot  less on me this day: couple Dude Wipes,  Tylenol, sanitizer, and eye drops. I’m sure this  list will continue to pare down each day.   We decided to be a lot more strategic about  rides today; actually planning out rides to get  the most out of our fast passes; which at $35 a  day per person, allows holders to go to the front  of the line for certain rides. Here’s a rundown of  what we managed in a 12 hour period; sticking  mostly to Disney’s California Adventure before  our break and Disney Land after.  

-Ariel’s Undersea Adventure. 

It was a very short line. Understandably so. 

-Guardians of the Galaxy 

This was highly rated by EVERYONE and we used the Fast Pass to skip the 45 minute wait.  Granted, we still ended up waiting, maybe  twenty minutes. (Wendi and I couldn’t agree on how the Disney Land app calculated wait times:  whether it counted from the moment you’re past the gate or from when your ass is actually  in the seat.)  

 Anyway, GotG was a drop type ride where the whole 18 seat section went screaming up and  down 3 or 4 times. Something like a 1000  feet* each time. 

 And it scared the Ever Loving Living (and unliving) Crap out of me.  Wendi was not sitting next to me on this one; probably for the best as my crushing all the bones in her right hand and wrist would have been unfortunate. 

* (No need for Wendi’s corroboration on that fact. As you can see, I was sitting much closer to the ground.)

-Pixar Pal Around (Swinging) 

 Okay, this was a Ferris Wheel, with the added  delight of the baskets swinging back  independently back and forth on their own rails,  in addition to rotating like a normal FW.   You know what I keep forgetting about Ferris  Wheels? That they take friggin’ forever to load  and unload. Lotta time in line, watching those  baskets flail about. Even more time to watch a  Disney employee (Sorry, Disney “Cast  Member”) clean up some sort of…effluence out  of one of the baskets.  

 Once we finally got on, the first spin was  unnerving. I’m glad I was wearing my dark,  wrap-around sunglasses as that meant nobody;  especially those young fearless children sitting  right across from us, could see my firmly  shut eyes.  

 I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is  the little-death that brings total (Aaah, it’s not  working!!)

 At this point, we had been trudging about in  the upper 80ish weather for about 3 hours so  we decided to head back to the hotel for relief/ recover/reapply. 

-Soarin’  

 We returned to the park about 6:00 or so and  our next ride was a flight simulator called (sigh)  Soarin’ Around the World. Another use of the  fast pass. Despite its grammatical shortcomings, it was a very cool ride: about ten  minutes of zooming over various landmarks  while sitting in a chair which pivoted and  rotated with the POV. 

 And, it had Smello-Vision!! (Though Disney  probably has another, less awesome name for  it.)  

 At this point, we hadn’t eaten anything for  about six hours so it was time for dinner.  Thanks to an ad lib by RDJr. in the first  Avengers movie, Shwarma is now a Marvel  related food. We had some. Pretty good. 

 Having enjoyed our delicious and relatively inexpensive dinner, we went to go see California Adventure’s World of Color Light show. We managed to delete our reservation for the primo viewing sections so had to watch from the sidewalk but  it was still mighty impressive.  

 I was amused to note Disney spent most of  the show reminding us of their legacy  productions and very little on their pathetic output from the past five years.  

-Pirates of Caribbean  

 Between waiting around for the show to start  and actually watching it, the time was about 9:30 and the Disney App was saying that the  wait times for just about everything was 15  minutes or less so we boogied back to DL. 

So, Pirates. As seen in about 40 movies.  Another one of those “Glad We’ve Seen It and Never Have to Again” situations.  

-Jungle Cruise  

 This was one of Wendi’s picks and, again, at  10:30 on a Sunday, the line wasn’t too long. We enjoyed it and this was a case of the dark of night time actually adding to the experience.  

 It was past 11:00 at this point so, despite the  park being open other hour, we decided to stagger back home. Us and 12,000 other  attendees. The shuttle delivered us back to the  Hilton at nearly midnight and, after quick  showers, we collapsed into bed.  

 A fine if tiring day. Today (I write this Monday  morning.) we’re getting a very late start, will take a mid-afternoon siesta, and return to park  in the early evening. Again, our goal is to maximize the use of our Lightning  Passes. It’s a Small World, Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad are all high on the list. Plus, whatever miscellaneous 5 minute wait activities  we happen to come across.  

 Oh, and a candy apple. I want one of those.  It’s been decades.  

Wish us luck with #3. 

Monday

Day 3 

 We (I, really) enjoyed our $31.11 of Starbucks food and we got the park about noon. The App wouldn’t allow us to use the Extra Super  Swanky Lightning Pass for SW: Rise of Resistance. We worked waaay too long trying and failing to make it work.  

-Mr. Lincoln  

 Yeah, one of the O.G. Disney exhibits. Very patriotic. Honest Abe looked…almost human.  At least more so than Gov. Desantis.  

-Thunder Mountain Roller Coaster 

 I faced the danger. A most awesome 3 minutes. And that’s all you really need. (Am I right, girls?!?) 

-SW: Rise of the Resistance

 This one continued to vex. Finally, found a park information station, where the fresh faced young man tried valiantly to get the %#*£$@ app to work.  

No dice. He ended up just pressing a button on his terminal and told us we now had fast  passes. On the house.  

 The ride? Amazing. Disney has finally done  something cool with the Star Wars brand.  

-Siesta 

 Though we’d only seen three attractions, we  decided to take a break in the late afternoon  and so back to the hotel for a quick rinse and room service dinner. The bonus for this plan  was that we didn’t need to worry about sun block when we returned to the park at 6:00ish. 

-It’s a Small World 

 Falling hundreds of feet as part of an “amusement” park ride is scary. 15 minutes of endless hordes of spooky dolls screaming the same song at you over and over is unnerving. I was to the breaking point two minutes in. 

 This experience shall haunt my dreams.  Forever.

-Train (again) 

 Our one final Must Do was the Indiana Jones  ride, which remained extremely popular. We  kept waiting for either the standby lines to get under 30 minutes or more fast pass slots to  open up. (Disney only allows a certain number of FPs per ride per day.) Neither happened so we ended up taking the around the park train again. 

-Haunted Mansion (Again) 

 The line was short (20ish minutes) and Wendi  wanted to see it again. Sadly, once we got into  the inner foyer, the ride had technical difficulties  so we had another 30 minutes of standing  around. Actually, about half the original group  got tired of waiting and eventually left giving us remainders a lot more elbow room. Not to be denied this opportunity, Wendi practiced her dance steps. I just did my Asian Squat. Less showy, perhaps but impressive in its own way.  One of the groups that did leave was a family with maybe a three year old girl. Thank God they did. What the hell were they thinking? I’ll have plenty more to say on the subject of  Disney Land Parents, believe it. 

 Anyway, HM was enjoyable a second time. I’d  really like to watch a behind the scenes types video on how they managed those effects. 

-Thunder Mountain (again)  

 Used our final fast pass of the day to ride this a second time. I’ve become such an old pro at it  that I actually Loosened My Grip (slightly) on the  safety bar during the ride.

 I know, right?  

 At this point, it was 11:00, we knew we weren’t  going on Indy’s Big Adventure, and we wanted  to get an earlier start the next day so we called  it a night.  

Tuesday, August 1st

Day 4

 At this early time, exactly 25 years ago today,  a young Ms. Heath was starting the intricate and laborious process of turning herself into The Most Beautiful Bride.  

 A young Mr. Hardy was combing his hair.  

 Neither had any idea how their Flames of  Passion would continue to burn bright over the next quarter century.  

 For this most wonderful celebration of marriage, I have purchased Wendi a new circular saw so at least Mr. Hardy is still PLENTY flamey.  

 For this final day, we want to do a few more  rides, avoid getting burned, eat some actual Amusement Park Treats, and have a nice  dinner. Probably by room service.  

Wish us luck! 

 The minute we walked through the gate, we lightning passed a 5:00-6:00 window for Indiana Jones.  

-Radiator Springs Speedway.  

 This is a Cars related ride: basically a very fast roller coaster disguised as a racing game.  

 And no, Wendi isn’t wearing ears. Those are speakers behind her. Speaking of Mrs. Hardy’s  wonderful fashion sense, that Princess Leia  hoodie thing is designed for sun protection: very light UV blocking material. 

-Siesta  

 Though we’d only been at DL for a couple of  hours, we decided on an early siesta. The sun  was starting to get to me. That, coupled with my breakfast of coffee and a mid-late morning  World’s Most Sugary Drink meant I was feeling  a bit shaky. A couple hours of chilling while  watching “Chopped” and a protein bar and I  was good to go.  

 The Anaheim Regional Transit really let us down here. Despite an “every twenty minutes or so” target, we waited at least a half hour before calling a Lyft (Lyft: We’re not THAT bad!) 

-Indiana Jones Adventure. Kind of a lame name  but a fun ride. For some reason, we were driving a Jeep over very treacherous  underground roads.  

-Wendi Hardy and the Quest for a Pineapple Swirl. Okay, not really an amusement attraction  but more of a “I’ve been seeing those all week and I want one!” 

Because I refused to use my phone for an  online order, we had to look all over for the Dole Cafe where they have actual humans taking food orders. This journey was filled with thrills, heartache, but ultimate victory. Wendi loved her swirl and I my sundae.  

-Pirates of Caribbean (Again) 

 We were walking by and it had 10 minute  standby wait. We went. The only difference this  time was we were in the front row of the boat  and so got a bit splashed.  

Mostly satisfied, we started the long walk to the  gate. 

And then…

Finally, dreams do come true!  

 We got back to the room about 9:00ish and ordered a light room service dinner. The only Disney Day Disappointment being Wendi never got her siracha turkey leg.  … 

On the flight home.  

 Despite the rocky start, it was a good trip: our  first flying vacation since Hawaii in…2017 or  ‘18. We feel we got everything we wanted out of our trip to the Magic Kingdom. Will we return?  Maybe. Or maybe we’ll pick a more exotic  location.  

 I have a few more afterthoughts on the whole trip in general but this journal is already long enough. Find Disney Pt. 2 on the site if your  interested.  

 No, besides the great turkey leg tragedy, our only other disappointment is that we never figured out what that thing on the bathroom wall is.  

 Some mysteries are meant to stay…well, mysterious.  

This will probably be one of those times.  

 Home in two hours. No doubt the cats eagerly  await our return. And their dinner.  

Chow! 

B&W

Disney Afterthoughts

8/3/2023

  Here are some things: complaints, observations, and appreciations I’ve noted over the past six days in Disney Land/Southern California.

A) Infants at Disney. Whhhat, the hell? Exactly what is anyone getting out of that kid taking up two square feet of walkway?

B) Cell phones. If you don’t have a reasonably new smartphone, Disney don’t want ya. You use your phone to buy and use your tickets, reserve rides, find your location and they would REALLY rather you did all you food orders that way also. The Disney app will send you reminders and updates. And ask how things might be better for a future visit.
  This led to the sight of herds of adults: both sitting and walking, glued to their phones. Though this describes me in too much of my daily life, it was a bit much even for me.
The best (or worst) example of this was guy at the urinal next to me looking at his phone. I realize that past 3 or 4 years of age, the process doesn’t require too much concentration but Come On, Dude.
  This reliance on phones to navigate the park led me to coin yet another Mr. Hardy Phrase:
Seeing Eye Spouse. 

  The husband or wife directing the cellphone navigating spouse through the hordes of traffic via a firm yet loving grip on the arm or shoulder.

C) Family T-Shirts. This was completely new to me. Wherever we went, we’d pass groups of people all wearing matching shirts sporting messages like “Jones Disney Trip 2023!” Or “Disney Birthday Boy 2023” and then shirts like “Birthday Boy’s Dad” or “Older Brother”.
  We never really went on vacations as a family; much less went to the same place enough times to require its own one-time use wardrobe. Boggles the mind.
  The only theoretical analog for me growing up would be if we all wore matching “Hardy Trip to Goodwill 1978!” shirts.

D) No, seriously. Infants?!?

E) Coasters. This is an Anaheim Hilton issue. All the table/countertops were made of some sort of hard plastic. Probably not a stick a wood in the whole room but it was unnerving to both Wendi and me to leave unsightly puddles of water wherever a glass was put down. Maybe Amazon has a set of travel coasters for the OCD crowd. (We’re not the only ones, right?)

F) Besides D.Land, the other amusement park like place we are familiar with is Las Vegas. Where people dress up. Granted, the Vegas activities are mostly indoors and Disney more outdoors but Wendi felt folks could have gotten out a bit more bling for their trip to the Magic Kingdom.
  Basically, we came around to the idea that Disney wants Generic Tourists to visit and so everything is geared towards appealing to all: offending none. Vegas is somewhat the opposite of that.

G) I am so glad that all of American Super Models have a guaranteed second career as LA TV news anchors and meteorologists when they retire in their mid-twenties. About time hot women got a break in this country. On this same, not very enlightened soapbox…

H) Okay, I’ll come out and say it. Ladies, those extremely elongated eyelashes don’t give you an exotic, alluring look. They give you a “Late Fall Caterpillar” look.

I) The Importance of Holding a Good Hand.
So, here are some confessions.
• I am a fast walker.
• I get easily distracted by new and/or novel places or things.
• I think nothing of, at the spur of the moment, going over to investigate said new and/or novel places or things.
• I often have little awareness of where my body is in space: especially in new and/or novel places or things.
• Mrs. Hardy is none of the above.
• And finally, my elbows are right about nose height for Mrs. Hardy.
  This attention to all things NOT in front of me can lead to amusing little interactions all the time.
“Oh, you see the boats on the ride there? They don’t have any internal propulsion but depend on the water current to move forward.”
“Watch the curb, dear.”

  You can probably predict what Wendi laid down The Law over on Day 1. We would make a plan for the day. We would stop and sit down when consulting our phones. We would walk at a Wendi pace. And most of all, we would hold hands while traveling.

  On one hand, you could look at that last stipulation as simply the married version of the toddler harnesses you sometimes see.
  Also, when you’re a very petite woman going through crowds, having a Toweringly Tall Man (like me) nearby probably adds a bit of comfort.
  But now I have a different take. Holding onto Wendi’s hand allowed me to know where SHE was. That, in turn, allowed me to know where I was. At a near-unconscious level, I was subtly orienting myself based on her. She is here, going in this direction, and at this speed. I should redirect my course to match hers.
  In other words, Mrs. Hardy was, is, and (Lord Willing) shall continue to be my North Star. A fixed reference point allowing me to course correct as needed. 

  Find a hand, folks, and hold on firmly.

Alaskan Saga 2019 - Part 1

7/28/2019

Day 1: Going North, North To Alaska!

10:00PM

Bearing 292.9

Speed: 19.6 Nautical Miles

Distance to Ketchikan-our first port: 553km

I find the ship's navigation channel strangely calming.  We're going places. And perhaps it helps keep my focus from my very full belly. Good gravy that was some, well, good gravy.  And prime rib. And ice cream, etcetera, etcetera... Wendi has asked that I not disappear for 60-90 minutes to this ship's gym every day so I'll need to forgo that 3rd helping of whatever tomorrow. It's that or buy a whole new wardrobe from Juneau's Clothing by the Square Yard Emporium.

Barometer Trend: Steady

The trip to the ship went off relatively smoothly. We'd made it nearly to the end of the driveway before it hit me that a phone on Airplane Mode might mean no Bluetooth headphones.

Unacceptable. Therefore, it was a quick dash for our old iPod Touch; with its actual headphone jack.

Xander, as required by state law, asked me the "Back already?" question. as I dashed in and out.

Speaking of, you may be wondering why our Pride and Joy was on the couch watching the first of his five Mission Impossible movies. Funny story, that. On his many flights (2 to LV and 2 to Hawaii) and one international trip (Whistler, BC), he was required to have his birth certificate and a parent or two. We just didn't bother reading; REALLY comprehending, the fine print till roughly a week before the trip.

What we learned was the above-mentioned documentation worked fine for 15-year-olds but X turned an ancient 16 years of age 3 days before departure. A 16-year-old needed both his b.c. AND some form of state issued photo I.D.

Spelling it "Amerika", now, are we comrade??

So, despite our (my) best effort, X's photo I.D. did not arrive in time. For all I know, it's in our mailbox right now but more likely, it'll be another week at least

(When we return home, we're finally going to turn in our already filled out passport forms. We postponed this final step last summer when we learned of the $450 price tag.)

So, since a refund wasn’t possible and postponement would cost an additional $2500, we decided upon abandoned.  He seemed quite sanguine about this possibility. I guess it's the bird in the hand phenomena. The theoretical enjoyment to be gained from a week long voyage in constant close proximity to his parents PALES in comparison to concrete enjoyment of wearing his jammies, watching movies and playing video games from dawn till dusk.

Despite his protestations that a 16-year-old is perfectly fine staying home alone for a week, our friend Janet is staying there with him. I have vague memories of what dullards 16-year-olds are and, well, we wouldn't want anything to happen to our cats.

So back to the trip. Our first hurdle happened when getting off the ferry in Seattle. We'd agreed that springing for a taxi ride for the 1 mile trip from the ferry terminal to Pier 66 was worth the expense. However, when we got to the street, all the awaiting taxis were facing southward while we needed to go north. So, we started meandering north, assuming we'd encounter a taxi going our way. About 10 minutes into our trek, we realized that A) there were no taxis going our way that didn't already have customers, B) the two bags I was carrying were getting heavier and heavier, and finally, C) attempting to chase down a ride would expend more energy than just continuing to slog northward.

In short, dumb-asses.

When we arrived at the terminal, I was drenched with sweat. Not an auspicious beginning. Never have I been so pleased to hand over my luggage to someone else. Unfortunately, the checking in process soon involved getting our photos taken.

In a panic, I turned to my Beloved and asked, "Can you do something with this?" while waving in the general vicinity of my sodden coiffure.

"Stop sweating," came her helpful reply.

Not sure where that pic went but it's not on my ship ID card, for which I'm ever grateful. So, we were aboard. That was good. Our rooms weren't ready, nor had our luggage been delivered yet. That was bad. Well, the least we could do was find said room (or "cabin" as we salty dogs say) and drop off our carry-on bags. At this point, they were more "drag behind" bags as my arms and shoulders were starting to seize up.

Our room, #11838 (Deck Heaven-snowman, handcuff, snowman) was open but hadn't been cleaned up yet. No biggie. We stored the wallet, purse and iPad in the safe, left the rest in the closet, and went off to explore our new home.

About 10 minutes into our exploration, an idea crossed my mind, which I shared. "Hey, funny thought.  What if that wasn't ACTUALLY our room?!? Ha ha"

While the mental sound of a record skipping bounced between my ears, Wendi unleashed "THE LOOK" upon me and I rushed to reassure her that it was in fact the correct room. No doubt. Take it to the bank.

The rest of the day was spent wandering around and scheduling activities. We've got a couples massage and a Klondike train ride coming up. (Though not at the same time.) We'll see what else. I think our number one activity is keeping Wendi from freezing. Turns out, she doesn't like being cold.

Huh. Who knew? It least we're going somewhere warm. Well, this trip was more for Xander's edification than ours....

Yeah, planning might not be my strong suit.

Speaking of the Spawn, about 5:00 PM, he started sending me texts asking if he could buy a sword at the mall. Seems he wanted to use his birthday money from Tutu to buy this totally awesome sword but there are these stupid rules about needing parental permission, yadda, yadda, and could I tell Janet that I'm totally down with it? Please?!

Well, those of you who read my previous write-up on the subject, "My Son The Moron" know, Alexander Eric, long blades, and Wendi's exquisite (and fragile) interior decorating don't really go together.

I used the tried and true "We'll talk when we get home." It worked.

It's actually Sunday morning now and I'm waiting for Wendi to wake up. She gets so little sleep that I don't want to disturb her.

Ketchikan 317.3 nautical miles. Talk at you later.

-Later-

10:23 PM actually.

Sea State: Large wavelets

UTC: 5:24 AM

Distance to Ketchikan: 138 miles

In fact, I was working so hard not to wake her while finishing up the above writing that all the lights were off and I was just sitting there quiet as a mouse on the couch; two feet away. I look over.

Still snoozing.

Type, type, type. I look again.

She's sitting up on the bed STARING RIGHT AT ME!! If you've seen any ghost movies; any Japanese horror, you know I had every right to scream.

But I am a very brave man therefore, I did not.

The rest of the day was somewhat anti-climactic after that. Our breakfast was actually our lunch. We did some shopping, some gambling and got a nice couples massage. Tomorrow, we reach our first port of call. Should be fun.

I managed to blow through my 125 minutes of internet time in... 125 minutes last night. Seems I should have logged out before going to sleep. I am being more careful with my second (and just as expensive) 125 minutes so I’ll just be online for just a bit tonight. Hopefully, X will have something exciting to report.

Adios!

Mr. Hardy

Alaskan Saga 2019 - Part 2

7/30/2019

6:37 AM

Wendi's still sleeping so the TV is staying off for now. Using my long dormant maritime skills, (AKA: looking out the window) I'd say we're currently just tying up at Juneau.

Speed: 0 nautical miles per hour. Distance to Next Port: Maybe 3 feet?

Let's see, what thrilling happenings have happened in the last two days? Our day at sea (Sunday) was nice and relaxing. Wendi and I got a nice couples massage. Well, the massage part was nice; the afterwards up-selling is getting tiresome. I think I'll claim complete and utter health before any future spa visits in an attempt to head off future hard sells.

Or I could just write down something ridiculous on the intake form like "too much dark humors”

Let's see what their expensive solution to that would be.

The high point afterwards was Wendi winning $600 at the slot machine. Yeah!

And me losing maybe $50ish; $2 at a time,

Trying.

To.

Maneuver. That.

%#!.

Key.

Into.

That.

^%#¥!.

Slot.

And coming so close each time. Think the "Claw" vending machines but with $100 bills instead of stuffed animals.

Pulled into Ketchikan the next morning. It was lovely... uh... Lovely adjacent. We purchased some nice trinkets. We're buying something for Xander at each stop. Trying our lamest to avoid him singing any Harry Chapin at our 50th anniversary party.

Wendi bought a very nice raincoat though as yet, it's been unneeded.

She also purchased a nice hat. Quite warm and if she were to

EVER get a gray hair, this chapeau would camouflage it nicely.

Speaking to the seller of said nice hat, he told us that the town had about 8,100 inhabitants but with 4 cruise ships in port, the town's population was easily double that. Just a whole lot of folks wandering around; getting amazing deals on furs, knives, gemstones, and knives.

Speaking of, I was a little confused how store after store could

offer the same "Unique Alaskan Crafts". Maybe they have a different definition of that word.

One thing that was a breath of fresh air was how many furriers there were. Don't get me wrong. I have NO interest in wearing a dead animal but.... It's refreshing to see an entire state giving PETA The Finger.

One slight hiccup was that we didn't bother eating breakfast beforehand and so were a might bit peckish upon returning to the boat. And not "cruise ship hunger" as defined by going longer than 45 minutes without visiting the all-you-can-(but really shouldn't)-eat buffet.

No, my total caloric intake thus far consisted of some black licorice (The candy you won't have to share!) with Wendi having not even that. So returning to the ship, we, and about 1,000 other cruisers made a be-line for the buffet. It was packed.

Since I'm a "This looks edible. Gimme some!" diner and Wendi refuses to settle for anything less than perfection (Exhibit 1: Her Hubby), I grabbed a seat quickly while the wife continued her quest for culinary bliss. However, about 2 minutes into my meal, a young... Chinese(?) boy was ordered to sit across from me by his grandmother(?).

I didn't understand the semantics of their conversation, but the meaning was crystal clear; that kid didn't want to sit next to the scary white guy behind the mound of food and that elderly lady didn't give a shit; he was to sit down and eat!

Okay, I had planned on sitting across from my beautiful wife and not an angry boy slurping soup but... it seemed rude to start making "go away" gestures but nearly as rude to just pick up and leave so he and I determinedly ignored each other while wolfing down our chow. He won that race.

My wife was initially annoyed when I found her but was mollified when I explained it was a mystery kid’s fault.

After that, we decided to just embrace our middle-aged cruise ship-ness and go do bingo. (Pause for vicious cat-calls from the hipster readers to die down.)

And to all you naysayers out there, (yes, Becky, I'm looking at you!) let me just explain that I ended up winning $120 dollars. The realization that we initially spent about $65 for the Bingo Card took a bit of the shine off the triumph. The further realization that Wendi's net was 10x that amount for just pushing a button on the slot machine removed still more of that shine.

Wendi and I just chilled in the room. She played on her iPad and I watched TV and the islands go by. It was slightly stunning, in a good way. I wasn't keeping an eagle-eyed vigil but didn't see any signs of human habitation FOR HOURS. Where else you going to experience this in America? The maybe 5-acre Puget Sound islet which would have 2 or 3 million dollar houses on it isn't even worth a name on the Alaskan Panhandle map. This is cool.

Last night, it was room service and a movie. (Peanut Butter and Jelly/Potato Chips off the Kids Menu and Ant Man and the Wasp.)

10:39 PM

Today (the 30th), we wandered around Juneau. It's amazing what passes for a state capital these days. Felt like we walked all of downtown in just a couple of hours. Would've made even better time had not Wendi felt compelled to stop at just about all the jewelry shops. Boy, they love their tanzanite here. They must grow it or something. Here's our Tally.

Juneau Excursion Haul Xander: Alaskan Knife-$120

Bear Claw Necklace-$70 Wendi: Topaz Pendant-$200

Me: Coffee Mug- $18

But I also got two beers at the Red Dog Saloon so I'm satisfied.

Yeah, Dad ordered us to go so we went. Nice place. The floor of sawdust and hundreds of signed dollars stapled to the wall really added to the ambiance. The waitresses wore uniforms which can only be described as...uh.... bosomy. No problem there but the one waiter's uniform just seemed to be wearing suspenders  with his street clothes. Suspenders that he wore with a belt.

Let me repeat that: a person in an Official Culinary Position of Authority, in the presence of women and children, chose to wear both a belt and suspenders! This may be Alaska but last I checked, we're still in America.

Sorry to end on such down note but it's already waaay too long and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Can we just all pretend I took the time to revise and edit? Thanks, you're too kind.

Adios Mr. B.

Alaskan Saga 2019 - Part 3

8/1/2019

Somewhere In the North Pacific.

7:02 AM

Dear Long-Suffering Readers,

I'm afraid our 21st anniversary hasn't gotten off to a rip-roaring start. I thought it would be a nice treat to have breakfast delivered and so last night filled out the little card and hung it on the doorknob. On that little card, I very distinctly checked the spot for a 7:30-8:00 delivery.

Granted, a person might wonder how an emphatic check mark differs from your run of the mill type but such a person has never dealt with a wife awakened before 7:00. I am NOT such a person and so was looking forward to a leisurely post-7:30 breakfast Sadly, it was not to be. Maybe we sailed into yet another time zone; one that moved the clock forward 45 minutes.

Regardless, I'm boned. I quietly type this on the couch, tying not to bump the dishes of fruit and cornflakes, in the darkened cabin, whilst My Beloved pretends to be asleep, awaiting her chance to scare the crap out of me with her Samara from "The Ring" trick again.

Sigh. Best laid plans of moronic men oft go awry.

….

So, what else has gone on in the past day and a half? While I was in the Atrium typing up the last log entry, Wendi was at an Art Auction looking at some gorgeous paintings that she really wanted to bid on. (Un?)Fortunately, she didn't feel she could spend thousands of dollars on art without her spouse's agreement. I looked real chagrined when she told me this later that evening.

After rendezvousing for some exciting Bingo losses, we went to the spa for a facial. Uh, facials-plural. That would have been awkward.

It was very pleasant. Hehe, (yes, that was her name) my...facialogist(?) claimed to not believe she was looking at a 51 year old face. Late 30s at the most. Who am I to argue?

Nonetheless, she worked for nearly an hour to erase the ravages of time. You can just the results for yourself.

Hardy's Dermatological Constant: All faces look mighty gross in extreme close up.

The newly youthful Mr. and Mrs. Hardy then did some shopping.

Wendi had had her eyes on an inexpensive pair of binoculars for a couple of days and we decided to buy them. T, the salesman, tried to explain to us dullards the many scientific benefits of his other, much more expensive binoculars. This was the first time I've seen Wendi get mad at somebody (not her husband) on the trip.

She wasn't interested in the small $80 pair because of the price (we still being Bingo-Rich at this point) but because they were small enough for her tiny Asian head. The other models were simply too wide set for her not wide set eyes.

Huh. Never noticed that before. Guess I'm just all about loving her beautiful soul. (First-rate cleavage is nice, also.)

Not sure T ever did get Wendi's point but he dutifully took our duty-free money and we moved on.

Yesterday was spent in the nice little town of Skagway. Actually, it was mostly not spent there but on a rickety-ass old train going up to and returning from the White Pass. (Of Klondike Gold Rush Game.) Glad I wasn't a gold prospector 125-some years back. This life sounds awful.

We did see some mighty gorgeous country and even passed into Canada for  about 15 minutes. Since the train didn't stop during this time, passports or enhanced driver’s licenses weren't required.

Between us, we took about 1,000 photos, a few of which might look pretty good once we get the prints back from the PhotoMat.

Just kidding. We go to Costco.

(The Wife continues her excellent sleeping act it but I'm not falling for it. You see, she's making one fatal flaw. The person 3 feet to my left is pretending to snore and, as I have been reminded countless times, Mrs. Hardy doesn't snore. THEREFORE, she can't be sleeping. Therefore-ACT!!

Q.E.D.

Back to Skagway.)

We had an hourish left in town before the ship set sail so Wendi did some speedy shopping and I did some being agreeable. Once again, the shops were strewn with gemstones, jewelry, and knives.

One particular piece caught her eye. "Look at that beautiful silver starfish pendant!" exclaimed Mrs. Hardy.

"You mean that SEA STAR pendant?" replied Mr. Hardy's idiot mouth before his panicking brain could stop it.

I heartily agreed she SHOULD buy that sapphire a little while later.

My temporal awareness on board is hinky but let me jump back to yesterday's breakfast. After the Skagway Fiasco, we made sure to eat what we laughingly called a light breakfast. It's only "light" in the sense you can still see parts of the plate underneath.

What you don't see are the colonoscopy verboten foods: seeds, nuts, whole wheat bread, tomatoes, strawberries, red foods, foods with an "L" in it, etc. That's because I am hoping to push my end of August procedure to, say early August. So, on standby hoping for a cancellation.

Anyway, as I was tucking into waffles, bacon, sausage, hash browns, and whole milk, I had a vision of my near future.

-Brian slowly comes to after the procedure. Brian: So Doctor, how'd the procedure go?

Doctor Nikamor: You were recently on cruise, weren't you?

Brian: Um, yeah. Why do you asked?

Doctor: Oh, no reason...... (Surreptitiously write "Cruise Colon" on my chart.)

End scene-

Yeah, I'm unsure whether this upcoming procedure will be my chance at a "clean sweep” OR an opportunity for the medical staff to have a good time playing "Is that really a waffle?"  while watching the video.

Okay, time to see if this email will actually send with this crappy-ass data plan. Wish me luck.

Salty Brian

P.S. My €%#*ing phone and watch were still on Juneau time. Yep, I'm that dumb....

Alaskan Saga 2019 - Part 4

8/3/2019

Maritime Detritus

Time: 5:31 AM

Distance from Seattle: About a Foot

Pants Conditions: Rather Snug

The week at sea is quickly coming to an end and we are pleased with how things turned out, especially the weather. However, there are a few things we will do differently for our next trip, whenever that may be. They are listed below along with just some miscellaneous insights on the cruising world; specifically, this voyage to Alaska but maybe they translate to luxury liners as a whole.

No doubt, many of you folks; especially the frequent cruisers, already know these things.

• Lanyards Are Great; I'm Bringing Them Back!

• When packing, do a careful socks/underwear count.

• If there is a "Cruise TV Channel': it might have your steward's name listed.

• A steward is the dude (or dudette)  who cleans your room. Just learned this morning ours is named Felipe. He knew my name right away; I shouldn’t have taken 6 days to learn his. My guilt shall be his generous tip.

• Glasses are small. Pack both your "everyday walking around" pair and the "reading fine print in the evening" ones.

• The shower nozzle on the left is water temperature. The one on the right is water pressure.

• The term for a heavily burdened husband, usually found in a ring around the $10 sale counter is a "shopping sherpa".

• There is a card slot just inside the cabin door which turns the cabin's power on and off. When your steward removes and takes this card, (because it's actually his), YOUR cruise card (which you keep on your lanyard ('cause your cool!) will also serve this circuit breaker purpose…

• Knowing this will prevent you from feeling like a complete moron when you angrily call the operator about your room's lack of power.

• Every single Norwegian Cruise is (insert positive adverb) unique.

• A seagull landing on your balcony really isn't cause to scream.

• The Spa was, with its up-selling, the most high-pressure part of the cruise. File under "Ironic".

• The little fish woven into the hallway carpets all swim towards the FRONT of the boat.

• In this same vein, there are 2 coordinations you need to know in order to find your way around. The elevation as represented by the deck number. And the front to back, which is delineated using "fore", "midship': and "aft".

• I was a really stupid Coastie.

• The automatic toilets flush at random times. And a with a shocking amount of suction.

• Having your own coffee mug; a commuter-type with a lid, will allow you to carry a man-size amount of liquid around the ship. All cruise provided liquid containers are espresso-sized.

• A mother can carry full two plates and a drink if she must. A father can do the same if he's just really mildly hungry.

• When your spouse takes the time to get gussied up for the evening, take the time to compliment her (or him).

• Cruise lines are terrified of infectious diseases. You will be spritzed with sanitizer upon boarding and at all meals. (In theory, this is voluntary.) Plus, there are sanitizer stations (which I'm calling SaniStations!) everywhere. Finally, there are helpful "Wash Often" signs at every sink.

• Seeing the buffet at peak hours, I am sympathetic to this mindset. I eventually worked out a "Left Hand for Food/Right Hand for Everything Else" strategy. I call this strategy a "Reverse Bedouin".

• Huge luxury liners may have 15 different gift shops selling every Alaska-branded merchandise conceivable, but they don't sell deodorant.

• You do not need to sign up for activities the first day.

• When one of the huge selling points of your cruise is to see one of Alaska's majestic glaciers, you would be very stupid to schedule your facial during this time. Very stupid indeed.

• Unlike the now trendy lanyards, fanny packs are passé and near impossible to find in our 49th state.

• For those nice meals, at the fancy restaurant, pack a dress shirt that actually fits.

• Even with a prepaid adult beverages pass, making all your drinks free, scotch still isn't worth it.

• Trying to save money by buying a limited amount of (slooow­ assed) internet minutes (250, say) will actually end up costing MUCH more that buying an unlimited number of (slooow-assed) internet minutes.

• The only useful answer to a salesperson's fake friendly question,

• "Where you folks from?" is "That elevator."

• There are nuts and seeds in everything.

• And perhaps most important of all, even if you've got something wrapped and ready to present at home AND it requires a second piece of luggage, bring an anniversary gift.

Total Eclipse - Oregon 2017

8/21/2017

Blinded by the Light

(Monday Evening)

Just got back from our celestial sojourn south. Good to be back among the cats in the Land Of Pumping My Own Damn Gas, You Commie! 

Our trip down there yesterday (Sunday) was a breezy 3.5 hours to reach our motel in  Beaverton, OR. That gave us plenty of time for a delicious lunch and then a leisurely drive another 30 miles south to Salem to scope out possible eclipse-watching venues within the Zone of Totality There were plenty such but we had fears of wall to wall huddled masses. Just have to play it by ear. 

Really, the only one fly in ointment was our reliance on Google Maps. Neither of us have any experience driving around Oregon so we needed something. It worked a good....51% of the time. Which gave Pilot and Navigator 49% of the time to argue about which way to go. 

But after scoping out the Region Of Complete Darkness (which started about 15 miles south of Beaverton), we returned to base.  Xander worked on his last summer homework novel:  Catcher in the Rye. Wendi read ghost stories. I played an iPad game. 

The rest of the exciting evening was all about Room Service and a movie. Xander has been begging us to see The Mummy so we figured why not. The movie really stunk but since the motel room only had a microscopic TV (20" screen), it was like we didn't see it at all. 

It was up bright and early this morning. I have rarely been so happy to see clear skies.

On the short trip south, maybe a 45 minute on I-5 with plenty of traffic, Wendi continued to check G-Maps to see if we had traveled far enough to be in The Area of Utter Shadow. About 5 miles short of Salem, we decided to take an early exit and just find a handy parking lot. We could look up anywhere. This seemed to be the thinking of 192 thousand other people as well but we found a nice spot at a strip mall. 

(We are not men; we are Devo.) 

Then we waited. This being our first for real eclipse ('79 was too cloudy to see anything for both The Mrs. and me), we didn't know what to expect. Using our extremely cool glasses, we saw the sun slowly get covered and at about 10:20, get completely covered. Maximum Cool.

During this 2 minute complete eclipse, our parking lot neighbor, Aldopho, really went to town blowing his 4 foot rams horn. Extra points for kicking it (Very, Very) Old School but turns out it's not the most pleasant sound. 

The many photos we took all turned out pretty crappy. Just do a google search.

Being able to look up and see the outline of the sun (aka: chromosphere) is just amazing. Really gobsmacking. I can see how historical figures could use knowledge of such things to trick unsophisticated, easily persuaded, science-illiterate folks.

Into resupplying his sailing ship or even (Heaven Forbid) electing him president.

After the show, we stayed and chatted for a half hour or so waiting for the rabble to clear out. Probably should have waited half a day. It was very slow going; taking us 45 minutes to go from one side of the parking lot to the other. That's why it took us 9 hours total to return home.

Granted, we got a lovely drive up the OR coast. That was a first for all of us. And we crossed this... slightly terrifying bridge.

 And survived!

Our original plan had been to continue up 101 all the way around the Olympic Peninsula but with daylight coming to an end, we decided on a quicker journey via Shelton to get home.

It probably saved us a little time though the Navigator's continued death match with Google Maps kept things interesting: 

I can't find the blue dot. 

I found the blue dot. You're on the wrong road.

Oh! The blue dot was just to the left of where it should be. Here take a look.

Pilot continues driving quietly. 

So, that happened. Glad we went. Would love head back down there at a future date given more time and less traffic. Maybe make it a two night trip so we can more thoroughly explore the coasts of both states. 

But for now, it's back to work. I have a class to set up. Xander has Catcher to finish and write about and Wendi has 14 more days to put up with till we Hardy Men go back to school. 

So we'll stay busy. 

Eagerly Awaiting 5.8.2024,

Brian

P.S.

S, my Fitbit step count may have plummeted over to past couple of days but all that's over. Prepare to be walked all over! 

Las Vegas 2016

7/13/16

It is about 3:30 AM on Wednesday and sleep eludes me. Why not put the time to use, pestering you good folk?

Where did I leave off? Yes, I survived the jalapeño pepper and the large burger but it was a close-run thing. 

Not to get too personal but Hilton's Just Look At How Earth-Friendly We're Being bathroom tissue has become a pain in the ass in every sense.

Monday, once everyone had decided to stop frittering their lives away on sleep, we got a cab and went over to Fremont Street, which is LV's version of downtown.  Nothing in particular drew us there other than wishing to try something new. Spirit of Adventure and all that. The Wife and I went there on our 1st? 2nd? trip but that was BX (Before Xander.) 

There, we saw the world's biggest gold nugget. 

 And walked around a bit. It's a little thing but Fremont Street is covered so that made walking around in the 100 degree heat slightly more tolerable.

From there, we took a very expensive cab ride to Gameworks as a sop to Xander. Following his parents around as they (well, she) stopped at every silver jewelry store isn't the most exciting way to spend a vacation. GW is a bit like Chuck E. Cheese but with a fully stocked bar. 

That is, it is slightly less horrid than Chuck E. Cheese.

We all had a seriously okay time killing dinosaurs, zombies and (in my case) playing Bejeweled. Some might consider it.... odd to plunk down hard earned ducats to play a game I already have on my phone, Kindle, iPad and xBox but that's the Magic of Vegas. 

Wendi isn't in a position to taunt as she spent a good chunk of her visit playing Super Monkey Ball.

After that, we recovered in our condo for a bit and then went to dinner at a fine Mexican restaurant at Ballys. The only noteworthy point there was I renewed my loathing of tequila. (But, hey! a coupon is a coupon.) 

We wrapped up the evening swimming in our little condo pool. Much frolicking.

Yesterday started on a down note. Mrs. Hardy woke up not feeling well: sore throat and chills. She would stay in bed; at least for the AM. So the boy and I were on our own. Whatever we decided to do, we would make good time doing so.

Actually, let me back up slightly. While awaiting for the rest of the family to spring out of bed, I decided to pop over to the Las Vegas Hilton to poke around. We have a bit of history there. It was on our 2nd trip in 2001 that we went to see The Star Trek Experience. And after that, agreed to hear the sales pitch for this "time share" thing. So, it all kinda started there. But no more. The STE was shut down 5? 6? year ago, leaving a huge empty space in the building. Sad, really. They never replaced it with anything, just walled it off. This 5 foot emblem wedged between the monorail and building was the only reminder of Days of Glory Past.

 Must cause their guests whole lot of head scratching nowadays. 

So back to the Hardy Men and their walkabout. He and I went to the Excalibur, which is way on the other end of the Strip. Serious walking involved. (But of course, we made good time.) We had to go through the New York, New York to get there and, upon entering, we were handed vouchers for free samples at Hershey's World. (This turned out to be related to the candy company and not the fine "Beaches" actress. A slight disappointment.) So off we went. There, I was mildly outraged to see free samples being handed out to voucher-less people. Had we inadvertently entered some sort of Hunger Games/Mad Max-themed establishment? There are rules, people! 

One the plus side, I did get to witness my son chatting up the nice looking sample-lady. Where you from? Worked here long? Adorable. 

We had a mid-afternoon show to go to so we ambled back. Wendi was feeling slightly better. At least good enough to go pick up the tickets. (Her name was on them so I might not have been able to get them.) Off we went over to the Hard Rock Casino/Miracle Mile Shopping Center and watched Peter Popovich and his animal circus. We picked this specifically for Xander's enjoyment but we were maybe 3 or 4  years too late. It was a whole lot of meh. The fact that someone has painstakingly trained dogs, cats, and birds to do X, Y or Z doesn't actually make it amazing to watch. It's still just a cat jumping through a hoop.  🤔

We couldn't pass up the Miracle Mile without a bit of shopping. The wife and son picked up some items. Xander bought a couple of totally bitching skull rings. He was just sure the lads on Supernatural would wear something similar provided.....Well, provided they were 12 years old and wore things like skull rings.

Believe it or not, I was not really interested in picking up any jewelry; especially so after Wendi commented on how fat my fingers are looking. (Are you retaining water? Thanks, sweetie.) So, I alternated between checking on their progress and watching people go by. Being about 20 hours into "The Complete Sherlock Holmes", I was about using my keen powers of observation and deduction on passers-by. 

Ahh, I see by your short-shorts and bared mid-riff you are... a ho! Or just wanting to look like one.

This short-short fashion is something Wendi noticed soon after arriving here on Sunday. And does not approve of. At least in a large percentage of our fellow tourists who don't have the body for it. 

Me? I'm all about the Inner Beauty. 

At this point, the Wife was tired, alternating between freezing and boiling and starving. We scurried back to the Condo and started watching movies in a temperature-controlled, short-short-free environment. It was so much fun, we decided to order room service and call it a night. (Gods of Egypt-okay/Zootopia-very good)

So, that's our adventure so far. This afternoon, we have a Mac King Show and Wendi is lamenting our terrible lack of 4-star dining experiences thus far. Provided she is feeling well, we may attempt to remedy that tonight. 

I suspect I have used up my allotment of iPhone time for the day and so had best wrap this sucker up. 

Chow!

The Delicately Fingered Brian

The Ranch 2015 Part 1

10/18/2015

It's about 6:00ish. Can't sleep so I thought I would update you all on the trip thus far. 

Managed to get to the B's only 25 minutes late. Perfect hair cannot be rushed. 

The drive was uneventful. We listened to a bit of Prairie Home Companion; till the CD player over heated and stopped working. Then a couple of hours of a fantasy audiobook called Going Postal. We'll try to finish it on the way home. Once we got passed Washington Pass and were in the Valley proper, I decided to celebrate with one of my kick-ass mixed tapes from the 90s. The passengers were all stunned by the awesomeness of my taste in music.

The one side trip we took was driving to one of the Seattle City Light dams on the Skagit. New experience for the Bs. Many photos taken.

Got here mid-afternoon. Xander waited all of 4 seconds before asking about riding the quad. We unpacked and chatted with Tina. And, of course, I put the Clint Howard voodoo doll under J's pillow. 

Then it was the obligatory walk from pond to pond to pond. Yesterday was the opening day of deer season so we made L take off his jacket. His was the only non-Earth tone shirt among us.

When we got to the Big Pond, Tina suggested Xander and “A Responsible Adult” take the row boat out to try to spot some salmon. None volunteered so it was Xander and J.  😆

They...sort of managed to row about. There were some 100 Canada (Canadian?) Geese swimming about who were very put out by the interlopers. Not enough to actually fly to a different pond but there was much honking.

By the time our two sailors returned, Wendi and Tina had returned to the Ranch to start on dinner. Me and Mr. B had to stay to help get the folks and boat ashore. Xander had the brilliant idea to stand up at the stern just as L and I were heaving the bow up on shore. He came "this" close to falling off the back into the water. 

Would've been quite the learning opportunity but I probably would have been the one to remove any leeches. 😱

Walked back home but we guys decided for a quick trip into town. Seems L can only eat eggs, cottage cheese and meat so he wanted to pick up plenty of the first two. And I figured I would win some points by buying the Little Lady some Dr. Pepper. When we got back, J noted that "Wendi just can't live without her DP!" which I privately found very funny because I have a dirty mind.

The Women-folk made a delicious dinner of roast beef, salad and oven fries. The Xander-folk watched cartoons. We men-folk poured over land documents trying to find the boundaries for our 27 acres. We were not completely successful but L and I will try our best to find the boundary markers today. Just need to find some neon orange vests and/or hats. 

After dinner and ice cream for dessert, we Hardys and Bs played Mario Cart, Smash Brothers and MarioLand on the Wii U. (Remembered the power cable this time.) To my amazement, I really, really suck at Smash Brothers. Who knew?

One final note. As we were settling down to sleep, we discovered a photo of Mr. Howard with the caption "He's Baaaack!" in our bed.  

That is so immature. 👿

Best get the boy some food. Well, some real food. Chances are very good he has a cache of sunflower seeds and Cheetos squirreled away in the Bunkroom.

Adios.

Brian

The Ranch 2015 Part 2

10/19/2015

Just pulled in after our 6 hour journey. Bs delivered home safely. Harold the Betta survived his two nights alone. Wendi has declared she is tired of acting sociable (that's a word, right?) and having bad hair and so is spending the next 30 minutes in the tub. Nobody is to talk to anyone during this time. 

So I will write.

Yesterday, I got up at my usual hour: too early (hence, email part one) and then waited around for others to get up. While eating breakfast; both early and mid-morning types.

By 10:00, the Bs and the rest of the Hardys were up and about, and after a late morning breakfast, L and I drove up to Hart's Pass and Xander and J went riding on the quad. Actually, Xander and I went quad'ing before that 'cause Xander would have just died had he not gone first thing. Took us a while but we did figure out how to start the damn thing. 

I can say that X and J won the prize for most stylish off-roaders.

The trip to Hart's Pass was nice but unfortunately, it was pretty cloudy up there. We got some nice photos of the signs.

 When we returned, the girls were shopping in Winthrop and the son and Mother in Law were watching cartoons. Mr. B and I grabbed a quick late lunch and went out into the cold and rain to try to find our property boundary markers. Wendi and I have aerial photos of our 28 acres but have never actually found its corners. So that's what the boys spent the next 2 hours doing. Some markers were easy...ish to find but some were downright camouflaged.

 (One of the easy ones.)

Each of the corners had a metal spike driven into the ground with surveyor information stamped on top. Add to that was a wooden stake with red and yellow ribbons tied on. Well, the last official survey was done about 6 years ago so many of the wooden stakes had fallen over and everything was overgrown. Fortunately, I had L along who seems to possess a super-human ability to find stuff like this. 

On the other hand, he also had an endearing tendency to point to a huge stand of trees 400 yards away and start trying to point one specific tree out. 

The pine. 

The one by the water. 

Next to those trees with the yellow leaves.  

I just nodded a lot. And was grateful since there was no way in hell I would've found anything on my own.

One very interesting thing we found was that one corner of our property was within the fence that surrounds Tina's house. Well, that won't do. Maybe I will want to put a burn pile at that spot. 

So, when I got back to the house, I explained the situation and asked Tina if she knew of any lawyers specializing in property disputes, but she couldn't think of a single name. Weird. 

Wendi and J got back hours after we did having shopped out the towns of Winthrop and Twisp and explored various points of interest in the Valley. 

The rest of the evening was Wendi cooking dinner, J and L watching the Patriots win and me watching J drink out of her Clint Howard mug. The tension was tough but I finally asked her to give me her opinion of her drinking vessel. At that point, she finally looked at the darn thing and then started laughing uproariously. I captured the moment on video which sadly means I don't actually know how to share it with anyone short of just handing them my phone. 

Should probably investigate how to do this.

This morning, which was very foggy:

It was eating another 1.7 breakfasts and then hit the road. Well, we all had to drive to Tina and Xander's Captured Chipmunk Release Zone, which was way up the Valley. Unless that little furry bastard learns to hitchhike, he ain't getting back to the Ranch.

(The little furry bastard is the one in the cage.)

Well, I hope it's been 30 minutes because this garage is getting cold and I am getting hungry. Time to see what sort of leftovers Tina snuck into our bags.

See you at school tomorrow. 

Chow! 

Brian

Hawaii 2015

7/2015

Greetings From Our Final State!

(Or, as the delightful natives keep telling us, mai'a!. This really is a wonderful place. Thought I would jot down a few notes while it's all (relatively) fresh in the brain. 

The verb tenses will hop around a bit as I start and stop writing throughout the week. It's Hawaii. Just go with it. 🌴

Probably won't hit "send" till we get home since our photos are on 3 different cameras: my point and shoot with the best zoom, Xander's waterproof camera, and my iPhone 6+, which I always have with me. Pretty sure I used to laugh at tourists like me, growing up in Winthrop. 

Ah well, as the natives would say, 'ai kukae a make.)

We are coming to the end of our summer Hawaiian vacation. We leave tomorrow. 😞 So what have we been up to? Lots.

Our flight went well. We ended up with a layover on Maui. Only an hour but it made the long trip just that much longer. Since the long portion of the flight was on a plane with outlets at every seat we were able to keep all devices fully charged the whole way. Dodged a bullet there.

Arriving at the Kona Airport, Xander had a first ever experience: having his luggage lost. (Boo!) I filled out the forms and the airline promised to call us as soon as possible. Meanwhile, Young Master Hardy was stuck living with whatever items were in his carry on, which consisted mostly of books, DVDs and money. And a bag of airplane cookies. Time to put those finely honed survival skills to work, son! 

From there we trudged to the car rental place to pick up our 2015 Nissan Pathfinder. Lux-sure-ee! We Hardys took up less than half the seating available on that monster. 

Getting to the Bay Club, we found the condo to be in the same basic location as our 2012 spot. The only difference being that we are up on the 2nd floor and our son has his own room (with extra bed in case he.... I have no idea.) Further, he probably would have happily slept on the living room fold out bed in order to watch Scooby Dr. Who Doo DVDs had we let him.

By this time, it was only late afternoon local time but we were like, on 2 AM Wednesday of next week time  (Still a bit fuzzy on how time zones work.) So we unpacked, had dinner and crashed. Uh, make that slept.

Monday began with a call from the airline saying that Xander's bag was definitely somewhere. They planned to keep looking and said we would be reimbursed for any reasonable items urgently needed. Well, the boy didn't feel underwear or socks were urgently needed but the old folks did. Off to the much loved Hawaiian institution known as "Target". 

While the wife and son went over the intricate details of small clothes and swim trunks, I started downloading Hawaii-related podcasts. This was too easy to do and so I blew through half my monthly data in about 45 minutes. This made me extremely paranoid about going over my limit for the remainder of the trip

That PM, we went to Hapuna Beach to go get pummeled by the waves. Good fun though X-man complained later of the sand scouring irritating his nether-regions. More importantly, we managed to stay sun-burn free. Would that this were always the case.

(Author's note: This is an example of the literary device known as foreshadowing.) 

My health concerns were finding sand everywhere (and I mean everywhere); even after a vigorous shower along with having sea water start dripping out of my nose at random times for hours afterward. Not to go into too much detail but this condition (well, conditions) made our romantic evening, well, a bit less romantic than originally hoped.

Nearly as important as as our continued health was the fact the the luggage had been found (it had been left at Sea-Tac) and delivered to our resort! Whoo-hoo! 

Tuesday, Xander and I took the long drive to Volcano National Park. We were on the road for a total of about 5 hours round trip. Lots of driving but we saw the caldera of Mona Lau (AKA ule malule in the local vernacular), sulfur vents and a huge lava cave. Sadly, the weather was a bit cloudy/drizzly but that's life.

Wendi took the opportunity to engage in this "relaxation" concept I've heard rumors of. Seems the presence of a Hardy Man inhibits this foreign activity.

That evening, we ate Japanese food and did some swimming at the resort pool.

Wednesday morning, we went snorkeling with Dolphin Discoveries. Due to the marina being way far away, we showed up about 30 minutes late. I fully expected us to get there just in time to see a dot on the horizon but, thanks to my wife's back and forth over the phone, we made it.

The important thing is that Mr. and Mrs. Hardy remained calm and affectionate during this entire drive.

Yep, that would have been real nice. 

And, once there, we had a blast. We snorkeled at two different locations and saw some dolphins frolicking about, some more lava tubes and the spot where Captain Cook met his gruesome end. Good family fun. 

However, despite our liberal and repeated use of waterproof SPF 30, our thighs and shoulders got a bit red on the boat ride back. Not terrible but not great either. 

After returning to the condo and getting clean and dry, we decided to do some shopping in the delightful little village (or muli pala kukae) of Kona. We had been there back in 2012 and Wendi remembered a few delightful shops she wanted to revisit. I remembered I nearly lost our $300 snorkeling fee just that morning and so was delighted to go shopping for dresses and jewelry. 

Once we got there, we encountered a fellow selling photographs with his three very large parrots. 

An actual photograph.

On paper. 

It was too good an opportunity to pass. Afterwards, I took an iPhone snapshot of the photo. Here it is in 3 parts.

A) Colorful Dad avec beautiful bird

B) Same colorful dad. 2 beautiful birds. 

3) I am about to lose my left arm. 

And 1.4 seconds after this was taken, his bird did start squawking and flapping its wings energetically. This in turn made Xander start moving his (much loved) left arm about in an effort to be free of this FEATHERED DEMON STRAIGHT FROM THE PITS OF HELL!! 

Knowing well it was not wanted, the bird flew across the street. 

We paid $20 for said pic. We would have gladly paid 2 or 3 times for the HD movie of experience. 

So Alexander got some tiny scratches on his arm, we all got a nice 8"x12" photo and Wendi and I got another delightful "Xander's Not a Bird Person" story to tell for decades. 

It all seem to start with the Woodland Park Zoo's Vicious Raptor Feed Room...

 Anyhoo, we did some delightful shopping and ended up at a nice restaurant where Ms. Wendi ended up getting her usual vitamin-packed health drink.

After that, the two of them got some pearls.   $15 each for two lovely ones; they even got to pick out the oyster.

Thursday morning, we couldn't decide what to do. Xander really loves playing in the waves so he was pulling for the beach; in spite of all that sand and his slight sunburn. Where they don't have much of either? The Seahorse Museum, which was only 20 minutes (read 45-60) down the road. That was my vote. 

My beloved came up with an intriguing 3rd option as well. We had earlier eaten breakfast out on the huge deck. Mid-way through, little birds started landing somewhat nearby looking for crumbs. Well, we Hardy Men are simple folk and so we started throwing goldfish for them to eat. (The cracker kind) Well, pretty soon, we all were back inside, watching the couple dozen or so creatures enjoying their meal. So Wendi says we can either go swimming (possible worst sunburn and package scouring), go look at sea horses ($95 minimum to get in) OR we could get a box, a stick, a string, some more crackers and spend the day trying to catch birds. 

Granted, The Hawaiian Department of Protecting Our Endangered Wildlife From Dumb-Assed Haoles would probably take dim view of such entertainment but they would have to catch us first.

Maybe they would use a really big box. 

But, we ended up going swimming back at Hapuna Beach. Mistake. Despite going up to SPF 50, all of us managed to get further burned. Sigh. Guess we should go with SPF Spackle next time. Or just wear burkas. 

Well, we gingerly made it back to the condo and delicately showered off.  (Fortunately, it has two showers and two baths so there was no waiting.) Then it was into the loosest fitting clothes we could find. And then tried not to move.

Shoulda/woulda/coulda on that box and stick plan...

Our final dinner was at the sight of our first dinner: Three Fat Pigs. We didn't want to risk a bad ending to a crummy day. 

Today, was mostly about rushing around. We had a long lay over in Honolulu which stunk; even more so since we ended up waiting at the wrong gate and had to jog last minute to the correct one. Not saying whose cock-up that was but I will say it wasn't me. 

Our next trip here; sometime in the next two or three years hence, will probably require another family to join us since my attempt at relaxation only seems to aggravate my wife. For some reason, my "Will you hurry it up; we've got to start relaxing!" attitude always had the opposite affect. Weird.

Well, this has gone on long enough. Were I less lazy, I would break up into episodes giving each catchy names like "You Lost My Sack?" or "Sandblasting To Cleanliness" but I do these things for future generations' sake. You all are just (un)lucky bystanders. Memory isn't something I take for granted in my family. 

I like to think my descendants will find these records somewhat amusing and probably the cause of much future arguing. Were you really always terrified of birds, dad? Was Granny Wendi ever right about anything? 

And to paraphrase Mr. Churchill, "Family history will be kind to me because I am the one writing it."

And with that, I bid you adios!

Brian 

Ma'i laula 

Post Script

 At the risk of trying your patience just a bit more, here are a few Hawaii factoids I learned this trip. You might find them of interest. 

* There is only one native land dwelling mammal in the Hawaiian Islands and that one barely counts as "land dwelling": the hoary bat. The monk seal is the other indigenous mammal.

* The street lights (on the Big Island, at least) are the exact same shade of yellow as the traffic lights. This might explain the very lackadaisical driving habits of most drivers around here. Everybody expects a red light at any moment. 

* The small plot of land under the Captain Cook Memorial was given to the British Empire by the Hawaiian Government before joining the U.S. Therefore, this 200-some square feet is part of the United Kingdom. Please share this with all your conspiracy nut friends if you want to watch them get the vapors.

*According to state law, all parts of the state not officially claimed by a city or county is part of the state capital of Honolulu. With the state spreading over such a huge portion of the Pacific, this makes the city over 1,500 miles long and thus, the largest city in the world. 

* If you see a "Caution: Donkey Crossing" sign on a highway, don't get your hopes up. You might see goats but the donkey part is damned lie. 

Whistler 2015 - Part 1

4/2015

Well, we have finished our second day in lovely Whistler, BC. It's Xander, me, high school buddy T and his kids E and K.  We are all in the living room of our condo watching "Guardians of the Galaxy". The kids might make it to the end of the movie but I doubt we old dudes will.

The trip up to Canada-land was mostly uneventful. This was my first post-9.11 border crossing so I had my new enhanced driver's license all ready to go. That and Xander's birth certificate. And a back-up certificate. 

T's crew all had actual passports so they were good.

Since T managed about 4 hours sleep the night before, I was driving. But real cool-like as we approached the border.

I happily handed out over the driver's license, birth certificate, and passports. I happily told the border guard our story of going to Whistler for 4 days. He seemed to buy it and then...

Just doing his job, he asked to see the children sitting in the 2nd and 3rd row of T's minivan. And that's when it all went south. 

Because I couldn't. get. the. #%¥#!. door. open. 

Tim couldn't. 

K couldn't. 

So the nice border guard had to decide whether we were the world's lamest child-knappers OR just too incompetent to be let into the country in charge of a vehicle. 

In the end he just walked over to the other side of the car, opened the passenger-side door and asked Xander and Co. if the the obviously very dumb men were their dads and for the love of God, where were your mothers?

The answers of Silverdale and Seattle seemed to be good enough. We went on our way.

Soon, we found our way into the lovely metropolis of Vancouver, BC. I had sort of imagined big, huge signs saying "Whistler Highway This Way!" but we saw nothing of the sort. Just a whole lotta bridges.

So T decided to consult the internet; specifically Google Maps. Which led us over about 13 rivers and through a seemingly endless procession of side-streets. 

But the Google voice sounded very authoritative so we followed her advice through Vancouver.

That is, until T checked his phone's data usage in the 16 minutes since we crossed the border. He had spent almost $100. 

Off with both our phones asap!

We made without much more internet usage. 

And have vowed to investigate this thing called "a map". It's probably like off-line version of Google Maps. But without the Google part.

It's a nice resort here at Whistler Village. Two-room suite. Small pool and hot tub the kids have been enjoying greatly. (And wi-fi for us cheapskates.)  Doesn't seem to be any snow about but we did see a lot of folks sporting skiing clothes. That was a good sign, wasn't it? 

Today, was all about skiing. I purchased a half day of ski lessons for the boy and myself. The Ts have years on the slopes so they didn't need to hang around us newbs. 

 Our instructor Sunna (from Sweden) was delightful and by the end of the morning, Xander was having a blast. He could turn, stop, go backwards and even manage microscopic jumps. Granted, this was all still the lower half of the peanut hill but he had a great time. In theory, we were both getting lessons but my long-dormant mad skillz, came back to me pretty quickly and I just skied solo. Pretty sure Sunna was happy to have me and all my terrible habits get out of Xander's sight. 

I did end up going up to the way, way, way top of the (peanut) hill twice. Got on a chair lift and everything. 

My first trip up, I didn't really know the procedure so I looked to my lift-mate to see what to do. English dude. I asked him questions during the long (3 min.) trip up to the "Learning" Run. Also mentioned I was a bit nervous about how this run would go. He had some sage words of advice:

When I fall down on my bottom, I get back up. 

Note the only visible snow is on our skis. There are runs with snow but not many and they are all at the half-way up the mountain point or higher. When X and I took gondola to the tip-top of Whistler in the afternoon, it looked plenty wintery and even was snowing a bit. 

We briefly considered doing the Peak to Peak gondola ride but Xander was not really comfortable with with the trip up the mountain; kept commenting on how thin that cable looked. How terribly, terribly, thin... 

Peak to Peak would have scarred him for life. 

We quit by mid-afternoon. We had all day passes and equipment rentals so we really should have stayed on the mountain longer but my feet were killing me. So I took physical comfort over wringing every ounce (whoops! gram) of value for our outrageously expensive costs. 

(Less said on that, the better.) 

The only other item of note is the Xander and I had a light lunch up there and I had something called a "Beaver Tail". Had I known our northern neighbors had such delicious cuisine, I would not have waited 23 years to return to this country. 

It is now Tuesday morning and Xander is happily sleeping in; elbow firmly pressed into my back. We have snow mobiling late this afternoon but nothing set before that. Might maybe go ice skating. Or just explore this huge Whistler Village. (Though Xander will probably start his day complaining about his sore leg muscles.) Maybe there is a beaver-tail restaurant somewhere nearby. I will keep you posted. 

As we say in this country, das vedonya, da svidunya 

Ciao! 

Brian

Whistler 2015 - Part 2

Back home in 'Merica now. Starting to get that "Spring Break's Almost Over" Feeling but I thought I'd put down a few notes on the second half of the trip up north. 

Tuesday went well; though more by accident than plan. Once we all rolled out of bed and had breakfast- brunch, really, our morning was getting close to being over. We had two more items left to do. There was the Britannia Mine Tour and the snow mobiling. The first we could do whenever and the second was scheduled for late afternoon. The mine tour took a bit of driving south so we had originally planned to stop there on our way home on Wednesday. That would have been the logical, time efficient thing to do but that would have left us with an unscheduled afternoon.

(The horror, the horror...)

So it was off to a tour of what was once the British Empire's largest copper mine. It closed in the early 70s and then has been a museum/guided tour since the 80s. And it was pretty cool. 

Okay, the mine part wasn't nearly long enough. We were underground for all of 40 minutes and didn't descend far enough for my taste. (Like Balrog-level.) 

However, we did get to see a bit of what the mining life was like decades ago. Don't let Hollywood fool you folks; it wasn't all glamor. 

There were the loud, dangerous drilling machines.

And the other machines.

Note: The two things Miner Brian would have brought in overabundance: matches and toilet paper. Actually, I doubt I would have survived the first month of being in charge of the porta-crapper above. Seriously, I prefer the port and starboard urinals to be unoccupied before........

Okay, that may be too much information.

So, after that, we rushed back to Whistler for our snow mobile adventure. Despite the lack of snow at the lower elevation, we had a great time once we got into the high country. 

And once got up to the high point of the ride, we took a break and had some time for hot chocolate and hiijinx. 

Well, after that, it was a "Whatever's Left in The Fridge" dinner and then head home the next (late) morning. 

And yes, we did buy a "map" that showed all of wonderful British Columbia and T was able to navigate our way to the border. Granted, I have never heard Google Maps say anything like, 

"So I was watching a documentary on bridges and it said- Oh, shit was that our exit? Uh...no, I think we're okay. Just keep heading that [vague wave of hand] way."

So score another point to humanity!

Our one last hiccup came, you guessed it, at the border crossing. As we approached The Border, I noticed a sign saying "Nexus Border Crossing." Is this the one we want? It specifically says border crossing and the other two lanes don't. Maybe we should stay in this lane?....

We seem to be moving a lot faster than the other two lanes... 

I don't think we're in the right lane. What do we do? 

Some national security agency is probably watching us right now. 

We've got our own drone. 

Well, with fingers crossed and doors locked I whipped us over, though the plastic barriers (which were the self-righting kind, Thank God) into the mundanes' lane. 

And then spent the next very long 20 minutes A) Looking up what the %#¥€! Nexus is (Shock- not us!) B. Silently apologizing to the long line of people we'd cut in front of and finally C) Trying to look/sound very innocent to the 94 cameras, drones, satellites, and sharp shooters focused upon us at that moment.

Guess it worked. We made it. When asked if there was anything to declare, I nonchalantly held up a half-finish bottle of Coke; not mentioning the two Top Ramens we brought back with us. 

Oh yeah, just call me Ice Man! 

Well, that is our Great Northern Adventure. We all had a good time. Lots of new experiences: Skiing. Snowmobiling. Beaver Tails. Mining. Outwitting the border security forces of two great countries.... Xander hasn't called his grandmother yet so I don't know exactly what he found most memorable but he had fun and made lots of memories. 

If they let me back into Canada, I am thinking the Alaska-Canada Highway next. If they let me return to America, I'll tell you all about it.

As we say in this country: 

Yo! 

The Great Explorer Brian.

Sent from The Good Old US of A.

Las Vegas 2013

8/13/2013

Viva Las Vegas!                                        

I have survived our 3 days here at the Las Vegas Grand Vacations. Tomorrow is our potentially most dangerous day; we have nothing planned.  

The flight down was pleasant despite (or possibly because of) the fact that our normally trustworthy Alaska Airlines seated us all over the plane. Xander had to sit with two complete strangers. Yikes. 

However, to ease the terror of possible human contact, I loaded him up with three different electronic entertainment devices. He survived. I was actually just two seats behind him; close enough to use "The Voice" if need be. 

Well, Wendi could have just as effectively used her Voice from her seat 10 rows' back. Hell, the Pilot would probably sit up a bit straighter at that point.

I had a delightful trip seated next to a nanny/semi (more like 'semi-demi') pro darts player named Jen.  (I know: darts, crazy, huh?) She was attending a tournament at one of the non-strip Casinos. We just chatted about darts, kids, being a nanny, where to go in Vegas, what kids need to succeed, the agony of home robbery, the Virgin Islands, out of date from weight loss ID photos and how pathetic rich people who don't want to raise their own kids can be.

I hope she won her tournament. And avoided the Circus Circus buffet. But I will have to accept the fact that I will never know.

Life would be so much less mysterious if I lived in a Romantic Comedy.

We spent much of the first day here exploring this Hilton Grand Vacations site. We are old hands at LV but this is our first staying at the Flamingo location. (Not at The Flamingo itself but at the Hilton Grand Vacations Condos [ HGV] right next to it. Both used to be owned by the Hilton Corporation but about 3 years ago, it sold all its casinos. )

We immediately decided staying on The Strip is a huge improvement over staying at the Karen Ave. property. No longer chained to the Monorail.

And Xander was Extremely Pleased with having his own room, TV, DVD player, kitchen and bathroom and lock. Our friends V and D were originally supposed to join us but had to cancel last minute. Their loss is his gain.  

We spent a bit of time stocking up on breakfast foods from the high priced grocery store here. Top Ramen is 3x its usual price! Outrageous!

That evening we went to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville for dinner. Delicious food and mellow (mostly Jimmy's) music playing in the background. We dined while planning our next day. Please remember this nice dining example. 

Somehow the day had gotten away from us. Xander was quite eager to start taking advantage of all his room's amenities. Fine with us. He watched the first of 1,428 Scooby-Doo episodes on DVD and the Mrs. and I tried out the firm mattress.

One item disappointment has been the Flamingo Pool, which our Condo overlooks. With an especially clear view from the Living Room. According to just about every negative on-line review of HGV@The Flamingo, the Flamingo Casino Pool is a wild Bacchanalian Party every night, with loud music and young, drunk  20-somethings acting poorly. Well, I have spent plenty of time these past 3 days observing for such signs (again, mostly from the living room); ready to be outraged. No such luck. I am very shocked by the shocking lack of, well shocking behavior.

I expected more, darn it!

The next morning, the three of us, all a bit worse for wear from lack of sleep, were limo'd over to one of the 4 Vegas HGV properties to hear their sales pitch. We had avoided such events since 2005, so we figured it was time to see how the corporation could improve our lives. And get a dinner and a show. Wendi still not being employed, we certainly weren't going to BUY anything.

Well, you can probably guess the end of this little story. Our piddling little number of yearly HGV points: 2,400, purchased back in 2001 was such a small amount, it wasn't even on their "HGV Membership Levels" charts. (I didn't want to show my ignorance by asking where our number was and so didn't figure THAT one out till the presentation was just about over.) 

We decided to bump that up to literally the smallest number they now deal with. Speaking as a 5th grade math teacher, we now occupy the minimum value in the data set represented on their Line Graph of Happiness. Sounds good.

What sold us was the argument that this is something Xander will inherit one day and be able to use for his family. He may have not thought through all the implications of this process but he seemed VERY enthusiastic about always having his own room and DVD player in the future.

Our main original reason for going was to learn all the HGV benefits added since 'Ought 5; the biggest of which, we can now buy airline tickets with our points. That's huge. Our $1,500 a night suite may have cost us just a whooping $35 booking fee but plane tickets were many, many times that.

So, we have another small monthly bill. In 5? 10? years, it'll be paid off and we'll return to feeling smug about it.

One thing I take comfort in now is that Xander took FULL advantage of their open buffet. My son; stickin' it to The Man.

Granted, it was slightly embarrassing to see him use his hat as a carrying case for the mound  of cookies and Doritos on our way out.

“Mine! All mine!”

That why guys like me wear cargo shorts.   Man, I love Fig Newtons. So tasty. So compact.

After that, we returned to the Condo to relax, swim, lay in the sun for my maximum 14 minutes, but mostly just ponder the question, "What the hell just happened?"

During this time, both Wife and Son gang-complained at me that the condo is too cold. This is actually the case with ALL indoor spaces here in Sin City but the frigidity of our little plot of Hades seems especially cruel. This is confusing to me so I again tried to explain how to change the temperature in both rooms. I guess it's a bit esoteric but see if you can follow:

·         -Walk to the thermostat.

·         -Press the "Up" arrow to raise the room's temperature and the "Down" arrow to lower it. 

·         -Repeat, as necessary.

It's this sort of Secret Knowledge that, despite our many, glaring flaws,  keeps us in The Whitey Brotherhood on top.  

Well, that and our use of cargo shorts. Go ahead and laugh. Those fig newtons tasted of sweet, sweet entitlement. 

Anyway, it was getting time for dinner.  Which always takes us longer than originally planned. This is thanks to The Better Half. Were it up to moi, my decision process always goes along the lines of "Will there be some sort of 'food substance' in front of me within 12 minutes of my decision to stop at this eating establishment?" 

The Wife is a bit more picky. We had $100 worth of vouchers burning a hole in her fashionable Vegas bag.  She wanted to...(What's the word?...) dine.

She has good memories of Bobby Flay's Mesa grill so we schlepped over there to Caesar's . Upon arriving, Wendi saw the word "Rabbit" on the menu and so, Mr. Flay now finds himself in the same Pantheon of Evil as Hitler, the Guy Who Cancelled "Firefly", and all Gynoticians (A politician who feels more qualified than women and their doctors to make women's health decisions.)

Time To Take Our Business Elsewhere!

A Chines restaurant? (We were at Harrah's at this point.) Nope. I had a brilliant idea. How about Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar And Grill!"? That was close by and, well, to be brutally honest, how could you spend $100 at a place that serves fried Twinkies? Off we went.

WARNING! This eating establishment shall henceforth be known as "Toby Keith's Your Ears Will Bleed Bar and Grill". 

Not sure what the food was like. After 4 minutes of the following sort of dialogue, 

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EAT?!  

"WHAT ABOUT MY FEET?! 

"YOU WANT TO ORDER MEAT? 

"I'M LOSING WILL TO LIVE!!",

 We decided to take our business elsewhere. WERE there a rabbit anywhere around, I am sure they’d keel over quickly. 

Back to the quiet Chinese Restaurant. ("Ming's Table")

Ahhh...Peace. At this point, they could have served us broiled (insert cute animal here) and we would have tipped generously.

By then, it was getting pretty late, at least for us. And the drinks menu was just sitting there. Wendi went with The Volcano, which, almost two days later, still sits unfinished in our fridge. 

The Wife was sure she was finished after three sips. It was a careful walk home.

But the crispy duck was excellent.  

First thing Saturday, we visited the hotel formerly known as the Las Vegas Hilton. It is now known as the Las Vegas Hotel- That way, they needn't replace all the "H"s all over the place. The place has seen better days. To think, this hotel once proudly presented The Star Trek Experience. It even still has a 15' Star Fleet insignia on the side of the building though "the experience" ended 4 or 5 years ago.  Sad, sad, sad.

After that, we followed Wendi as she shopped for wonderful things. One thing I have learned in the past few days  is when you reach your goal weight after a hard year of diet and exercise, Las Vegas is full of wonderful things. I spent our time together trying to mentally map where all her wished for but not purchased items were so I could run back and buy them were I to ever get a free moment. After a bit much of this, she ditched us. The boy and I ambled back home to visit the gym, pool and watch more Scooby-Doo.

That evening's entertainment; again provided by the Hilton Corporation, was The Tournament of Kings, at the Excalibur. A bit of a jaunt from where the two of us were relaxing. This is especially true as the trip involved getting from the rear of the MGM Grand to the front. This is always a struggle; made worse by being in a hurry. As we were. Wendi, still shopping, couldn’t hear her phone from inside her purse when I called her so we got off to a late start. 

But we made it and had a great time. The wife and I had seen the show many years ago but this was X's first go. He started out poo-poo'ing the cheese factor but ended up enthusiastically booing the Dragon Knight along with the rest of us. 

After the show, some of the knights and ladies posed for photos but the lines were too long. Instead, both boy and I took photos of the "Dick's Last Resort" sign, which we both found hilarious. Wendi informed us we had pretty much the exact same reaction when we were last at the Excalibur two year's ago. 

Then we started the long ramble back home. Long ramble punctuated by occasional stops to look at yet more sparkly jewelry. For about the zillionth time, both husband and wife secretly wished V could have joined us.  

Though it only was 10:00ish, we all decided to call it a night. 

Sunday 

Today was my one walk-about day. I left about 8:00 and just got back at 2:00. Not sure where the rest of the Hardys are. Once again, she's not answering her phone. 

It feels good to put the feet up. I bought one bling'd out hoodie that Wendi looked at lovingly yesterday. Hope I caught the right signal. And gambled a tiny bit and had a bit of lunch. But mostly I just traveled. By my count, I visited 13 different casinos/resorts. Three of these were completely new to me. 
Without the family, I made really good time. I wasn't in any particular hurry to be anywhere but I can't help but want to get there in a timely fashion. I found my brisk pace, sun glasses, cargo shorts, AC/DC t-shirt and head phones were enough to repel anyone trying to hand me something or sell me something. Clearly, the Middle-Aged Beavus Look works for me. 

.......

(Monday Morning. Now at Gate E15, waiting for the flight. At least another 45 minutes to go. X's playing on the Kindle and Wendi is doing some last minute slot machines. This is really the only gambling she has done this trip.)

Wendi and Xander arrived late afternoon yesterday. She had purchased a few Wonderful Things and he had bargained a trip to the pool and a buffet out of the experience. The boy knows 'is 'aggling!

After these diversions, and some research on-line, we decided on the buffet at Caesar's. It was a bit later than usual for dinner so we weren't expecting too big a line....

....'Cause we were dunderheads! We couldn't even see the buffet from where we standing! After moving roughly 5' in 30 minutes, we decided on Plan B; which at that point was simply "Not stand in this f'ing line all night!" Bally's was close and had a SteakHouse. We like steak. Onward! 

It was wonderful. It was a quiet place with wonderful food but it's top selling point was our waiter. He was funny, quick with the orders, told us great stories and Xander corny jokes. You don't realize how crummy most waiters/waitresses are until you encounter someone who has made a career of it. This was his 39th year in the business. Sadly, new management was taking over soon and he doubted they'd want an old guy like him. Their loss if that's the case. That may have also been the reason he brought us free drinks and seemed to have no desire to hurry us on our way. 

The $60 tip was mostly a reflection of our appreciation for a job well done. And that we ended up ordering a crap-ton of items off the menu. (Again, a tribute at least as much to him as the fine food.)
We waddled home and called it a night.  
....

And now I am in seat 27 C getting ready for take-off. We're all together this trip. Two hour flight and then a long drive home. Good to be back. Love this crazy town but it's a bit too much of nearly everything: spending, eating, drinking, gawking, etc.  Granted, that's sort of the whole point of this state but 4 days is plenty. 

Last night, it was filet mignon and cocktails. Tonight is chili and rice night. I know which one will be better for me. :)

And a decent night's sleep. THAT will be a reward nearly on par with anything Sin City has to offer. 

Nearly.

Time to power down. In more ways than one.

Mr. B.

Xander's Excellent Adventure - Las Vegas

7/12/2011

Author's Note: This is a long, rambling, barely coherent description our recent (6/30-7/4) trip to Las Vegas. For those of you with better things to do, here is a brief synopsis; we went, had fun, and returned.

Those with time to kill, let the show begin.

-Friday-Late Afternoon-

It's late afternoon Las Vegas time. We have been here just over 24 hours. We Hardys are taking a break. Wendi is in the

bedroom trying (most likely in vain) to take a nap. Xander is out with me in the living room listening to the audiobook, "Return to Hooowliday Inn" and, what's that I see? Ah, yes! He has the beginnings of a fort. Who had hour 26 in the pool? I should be takin a nap (I mean, it's not like I'll ever see 42 again.) But naps and I don't really mix so it's writing you all instead.

D and V, friends from Colorado who are staying with us a few days, are out galivanting around town. We’re all meeting at the Venetian to see the Blue Man Group tonight in about an hour.

Maybe just 10 minutes of sleep. Wish me luck.

Okay, I actually did fall asleep for well over 10 minutes, the result of which meant that Xander, Wendi and I had to semi­ sprint to the Venetian, where the ever-patient (or at least good at faking it) D&V awaited us.

Wendi and I watched this show back in the early aughts but we did not have a 7 year old with us at the time. Xander spent most of the show with his mouth open and commenting on the action. WE spent most of the show asking him what he thought of the show and telling him to stop kicking the seat in front of him. His verdict?

"It was okay."

"OKAY?"

Time for him to work on synonyms!

A fun bit happened before the show. We were sitting in the auditorium waiting for the show to begin and there was a billboard flashing humorous messages to audience members. Well, one of them said, "…Seems Wendi Hardy is

suffering from a headache...… Can we help her get relief?" (Much cheering from all.)

She (well, everyone in the theatre) was then instructed to imagine the headache as a cow and then chopping the cow up and handing the headache-cow bits to all her friends. "Now, don't you feel better, Wendi?"

For the record, she was not suffering from any sort of ailment before the show. AFTER the show...… ?

Finally, when her name first popped up, she turned to me and asked if this was my doing. A better man, husband and father would have lied right then and there AND been able to pull off. (In the 1.19 seconds before answering, I realized I was the 2nd part that would trip me up.)

Last note on Blue Man. (No, really!) Do NOT ask to be seated after the show starts. Unless you are a glutton for punishment.

Okay, we men are going out to a carnivore’s lunch so I'd best get going. Actually, Wendi and V long ago demanded a girls' day out so we abandoned boys are going to hit the town. Our own Two and a Half Men without the laughtrack and much more eating.

Chow!

-Late Saturday Night-

Wendi is in the bedroom reading with Xander: "Wiley and Grandpa's Creature Feature". It's a very irreverent series of chapter books and Xander loves them. D and V are just getting back from seeing "Mystere"; one of the 142 different Cirque du Soleil shows in production here.

-Slightly Later-

Wendi is asleep and Xander is watching his new Mack King DVD. Mack King was the magician Xander and I saw this afternoon. Blue Man may have a laser show, a huge million dollar stage and guys with blue heads but Mack pulled goldfish out of his mouth and fig newtons out of his fly. It was no contest. Xander now wants to learn magic so his one purchase for the day was The Lunchbox O' Magic.

Truth be told, Mack's show was awesome for the 40ish set also. Highly recommended. I recently read a book on magic and Mr. King figured prominently in it so I figured I'd see through all of his tricks. Or at least a few. One. Just one would have been nice but the man is a Master. And he was pretty darn nice to us after the show. Xander could have worse role models.

As of today, I have gambled a whopping $1.25. That's even less than my usual but my initial foray Thursday night put The

fear of God into me. Xander and I were walking through the Las Vegas Hilton on our way back to the Hilton Grand Vacation Condominiums. All that night, Xander was begging, pleading and conniving to play one of the 1,209 slot machines we passed by. Minors are allowed to walk through a gaming area but not linger. I explained that the fine folks at the Nevada Gaming Commission frowned upon 7-year olds gambling. (Stupid, Freedom-Hating Politicians!) So my son changed  tactics by asking if he could just watch ME play one of the sparkly, shiny, ringing machines. Just One Time. Puh-lease?!? Against my better judgement, I told him to kind of keep walking slowly as I very quickly put ONE quarter into A Lord of the  Rings Slot Machine.

Out Of Nowhere, this kindly old security guard materializes beside me to tell me, in a very disappointed voice, that that child can NOT be here. And then he probably went to sell the security tape to "America's Lamest Dads".

Xander, of course, did not choose to fess up his culpability at that time. Way to throw the Old Man overboard, son.

So, my taste for gambling has dwindled a bit as I am sure the kindly old guard (I think of him as Saruman with Mace.) is lurking about, ready to bust me for the slightest infraction. Safer to spend my time at all these lovely LV buffets.

More later. Must sleep.

Adios.

Happy 4th of July!

My alarm isn't going off for another 30 minutes so maybe I can finish this turkey. Thanks for sticking with it this far.

Our flight leaves at 11ish so we have 4 hours to officially wake up, get packed, straighten up the place slightly (I know, I know but Wendi can't help herself.) and get through airport security. As today is a holiday, I'm going to go out on a limb and predict there won't be a huge amount of traffic. Just us crazy goof-balls trying to save on airfare. It'll be good to be home.

Especially as we Washingtonians are familiar with/prepared for this thing called 'rain'.

We Hardys spent most of the day (after saying a fond farewell to D and V) tramping about the south end of the strip: MGM, Excalibur, Luxor and Mandalay Bay. Xander was not as impressed with the giant pyramid that is the Luxor but he sure liked the tiny stuffed animal he won at the Excalibur video game arcade. Sigh.

Early evening, we started heading home via the monorail, getting on at the MGM terminal. This stop is the southern end of line and Hilton is at at the northern end: about a 12 minute trip normally. As we walked out to get onto the tram and could finally see, you know, the outside, we realized that the sunny, bright day had been replaced with rain. Not just rain but a deluge with loads of thunder and lightning thrown in.

Well, I guess the Las Vegas Monorail isn't really designed to handle such outlandish occurrences because it took this opportunity to stop working. Not completely as that would have forced us to suck it up and get a taxi. (Or at this point, one of the Venetian's gondolas would've worked better.)

No, our initial trip included zipping right passed the Bally's stop and then coming to a rather shuddering stop at the Flamingo. Then reversing back to the MGM. A lot of trips forward and then back to the MGM. And the Monorail cars getting more and more crowded with impatient people whose yard-long drinks were running dry. An unfun situation.

All in all, it took us over an hour to get back. We weren't in any huge hurry ourselves; no shows to get to so we were only slightly inconvenienced. (And buying that Yard AND A HALF long drink was looking pure genius at that point.)

The only saving graces were that we saw some amazing lightning and by the time we reached the Hilton, the rain had just about ceased. And it got below 100 degrees for a short period. Small favors.

Much Later. Alaskan Airlines Flight 601 Seat 26A

Ah... Homeward Bound. This flight seems to consist mainly of foreign tourists who are somewhat confused by the "seating arrangement" thing. And staying in your seat in general. We'll survived but it is a very full flight. So full that the Hardy Family isn't sitting together. Row 26 seats E,D and A. The two Taiwanese ladies sitting next two are very nice and they offered me a cookie. Xander looks very sad that he is not sitting by the window. Wendi looks very ready to strangle him.

When I asked her if she wanted to sit by herself or with him...there was a bit of long pause. Cramped next to some potential loud-mouthed, smelly dude for 2+ hours or next to her pride and joy. Hmmmm.

This being Xander's first plane trip/vacation, I would say that he did okay. He would have been left behind in Las Vegas if we hadn't brought the books, audiobooks and DVDs. They gave us some time somewhat to ourselves. (And I am sure D and V just loved watching all those "River Monster" episodes.)

This town is basically designed to overload the the senses and Xander's filters are not well developed. EVERYTHING is worthy of attention except, perhaps the pedestrian he just bumped into. Or his parents' command to "Slow Down!"

By the final day, he had learned to wait a moment when the elevator doors opened to see if anyone was exiting. Then he would leap in.

Xander never quite let go of his fear of stepping on "the crack" so he usually had a herky-jerky motion while walking in the casinos. And occasionally he felt like doing a little sande as we walked. (And we did a ton of walking every day.)  This was his response to whatever music was blasting at us but I fear my covert attempts to video him never captured the magic. Just use  your imagination.

In terms of how we old farts did, that's hard to say. Clearly, bringing a wee one changes any vacation. Would another place have been different? Hard to say.

The HGV Condos gave us a quiet, out of the way home base. We really expected Xander to spend more time swimming but on day one, he saw a dead bee floating the water. Swimming lost its charm after that.

Get this, in Las Vegas, they put their pools On the Outside! Weird...

I suspect he would have done slightly better had we gone with our initial plan of a week in San Diego. (It was all booked up by the time we attempted to make reservations.) but who knows? I heard they keep the San Diego Beach outside so Xander may have come across another dead bee or who knows what. A whole ocean-closed.

If (when) we all return, Xander MIGHT be more willing to walk with us instead of ahead of us. May give the bee pool another chance. Hope so.

No matter where we go, however, he WILL be required to wear that bright yellow, easily spotted hat. At least another few years. 20, say.

Anything else? Having a camera on you at all times is good but not great. I actually had two on me pretty much all the time (cell phone and iPod Touch) but two barely adequate cameras does not equal a good camera. (Re: Xander's happy dances.)

Finally, cucumber water. I know! WTH, right?!? It's sliced cucumbers in ice water. Despite my dislike for the vegetable, I always stopped by the cravat* in the lobby of the Hilton for a few glasses. Couldn't get enough of it. Magic of Sin City, I guess.

We seem to be descending towards Sea-Tac so I really had better finish this turkey up. It'll go into the Internet Tubes when we get home.

Again, thanks for reading this far. Hope you enjoyed it.

Adios, amigos!

B.

(*Is that the right word for a crystal jug for serving water? Or is that what swanky guys wear around their necks?)

Big Valley Fun 2010

4/2/2021

Sure wish these folks would get wi-fi. Logging into my wavecable account takes forever and is spotty. Like just yesterday when I wrote you all a delightful description of the previous day’s excitement. A fabulous bit of writing that wavecable managed to lose. You’ll have to use your imagination. Whatever drivel is below; yesterday’s was ten-times better.

Enough grumping. Yesterday, the boy and I come over to the Valley; boy this can be a dull drive while the North Cascades Highway is closed. All the excitement of driving along the Columbia River without the thrill of Christmas at the Ranch. (That’s the only other time we don’t take the NC Highway.) But Xander needs to know his grandparents so this spring break trip. And it’s probably a good thing. Harold is quite wheezy at the smallest physical exertion. I noticed it while we were feeding the cows yesterday.

According to Harold, it’s all Hitler’s fault.

Back in the day, a young and healthy Iowan named Harold signed up to kick some NAZI BUTT and while “Over There!”, he contracted a brief case of rheumatic fever. For the next 60-some years, the illness lay dormant, ready to attack at the slightest sign of weakness, and according to Harold, that time is now. Hence, his weakened heart. Now, most guys in their late 80s have less than perfectly healthy hearts, even without such a history of illness but if Harold wants to claim it as a war wound earned while saving young Parisian Damsels from Fascist Tyranny, well, I won’t gainsay.

Wendi and college friend Vickie got here on Saturday and had some family friends over for one of Tina’s blow-out swar-ays (just sound it out, okay?) with top-notch food and wine.

On the other side of the state, the boy and I had leftovers and watched a “Mythbusters” rerun. I’m just saying.

So far today, we ate a large breakfast, (anyone surprised?) and then Xander and I went to the big metropolises of Winthrop and Twisp. Probably the highlight was going to the Winthrop Fish Hatchery and getting to feed the trout. Good times, good times. I actually worked there one summer back in the 80s so I thrilled the boy with tales of how things used to be.

After the thrill of fish, we swung by the old Ranch House as Xander wanted to pick up an old toy from the TV Room.  I told him it probably wasn’t there as Tina has spent the last 3 months cleaning the place out and doing a fairly good job at it. But I wanted to swing by there also so we went. Still a bit of stuff but it’s just about empty. There were two lamps I snagged for my classroom. That’s about it.

I think Xander got a little scared from it being so empty so we left pretty quickly.

(A wonderful scene is in front of me just outside the Office window. Xander found this cowboy hat in his room and has been wearing it all day; telling everyone we encountered about it. Tina probably found it while cleaning out the old house but nobody but a six-year-old would call it a cowboy hat. It’s basically the correct shape but it’s made out of green felt and has a pimpin’ rainbow feather sticking out of the band. Now, he and Tina are going to drive down to the River to have a picnic and with the weather being cool at best, Xander needed a coat. What does Grandma provide? A brown fur coat which is ankle-length on him. Ankle-length fur coat. Green felt hat. This doesn’t remind me so much of a cowboy hat as more of a midnight cowboy hat. I’ll ask Vicky to take a picture [or twenty].}

Speaking of our special child, Wendi told us a funny (if disturbing) story about him from late last week. Thursday morning, she was in a huge hurry and didn’t have time to get Xander a snack before before-school care. She told him to go downstairs to get something to eat. Quickly. A few minutes later, she comes downstairs to walk in on him standing at the counter eating a stick of butter. A stick of butter. How…. American of him. Despite his saturated fat-fogged mind, Xander was able to deduce that this wasn’t what Mommy would consider a “snack”. With some difficulty, he offered to extrude the mouthful of the stuff back onto the stick. She demurred. Some people.

Sure hope the organ-cloning technology is coming along ‘cause I know one fellow who will need a new heart about 20 years after he gets his own spending money (and away from his no fun parents).

Of the Wife, she and her friend are in Winthrop shopping. Not sure for what but she’s been very definite that she is here to do WHATEVER she wants. It’s her girls’ road trip and Xander is completely my responsibility. I think I need to get me one of those Guy Road Trip things. What say you, men?

Well, this is all I can think of now. Xander and I will be heading home tomorrow. Back to the grind. Wendi won’t be back till Friday. If you wish to reply (for some reason), please do so at the wavecable account. Harold gets too much email already. Hope to see you soon.

Brian

Las Vegas 2001

04/05/2001

Dad,

  Sorry I missed you yesterday. At 4:00 on Wednesday, the Wife and I were sitting at Gate A27 in the LV airport. Naturally, we would have rather been home as the plane was three hours late. :(

 Thanks for the Xmas gift btw. It looks great on the deck. 

  Thus ends our second honeymoon in the Biggest Little Town in the World. As was the case originally, Wendi left slightly more enamored of the city than I did but I still had a good time. 

 Again, we stayed at the Mirage though in just a regular room this time. We saw some shows, did less shopping and gambled a bit. Wendi's the bigger gambler among the two of us but between us, we won/lost no more than $300 over 4 days; Vegas hates people like us. 

The shows we saw were "Tournament of Kings" at the Excalibur, which was an extremely cheesy medieval shindig with jousting, sword play and mediocre food. It was something we had to go to and now never have to go back. The other show was "Blue Man Group" at the Luxor (the pyramid-shaped casino). You've seen the Blue Men (Mans?) in the Pentium IV commercials. They are 3 dudes dressed in all black who are bright blue from the neck up (Hence, the name.)

  The BM Group rocked! While it's very difficult to describe. it was a lot of humor, music, and stuff flying into the audience. (The first 5 rows were all loaned rain gear.) My description does not do it justice but it was a blast. 

The other rides we went on were "Race For Atlantis" which we went through 3 times back in '98 and "The Star Trek Experience". The latter was much like "Tournament" in that we had to go and now never have to go back. The Star-Trek themed restaurant was cool, though. 

I'm assuming that you've been to LV (though I don't think Jeff or Steve) so I won't go into what an odd place it is. Huge crowds, insane traffic, mammoth buildings, construction omnipresent, litter everywhere. That was probably what was most offensive to me. On most street corners on "The Strip" are bored looking people passing out flyers-usually to striptease shows. The flyers get looked at for half a second and then thrown upon the grounds so where ever you walk, photos of semi-nude women are  littering up the place. (So to speak.)

All the tourist brochures talk about how Vegas is now a family place but for the life of me, I can't imagine bringing a kid down here. 

It was my hope to get some work done down here (GradClass or employment) but we ran out of time and the laptop is just too bulky. Brother Steve would be so ashamed. But mostly, it was just lack of time. Always too much to do. One thing we did was have dinner twice with P. She was down there on business. Granted, P is fun to be with and between writing it off as a business expense and buying for Wendi's birthday,  we got two free meals out of it but it an idea nagging at us was that we didn't fly down here to hang out with the regular cast of relatives we see all the time. 

 Fortunately, we have a few days left of break to actually relax and recover from our vacation. It often seems that unless we are eating the Best meals of our lives, seeing the most Fabulous shows, gambling most Outrageously, Wendi feels she didn't get our money's worth. (She's still complaining about never having gotten room service.) I tell ya; it was a lot of pressure to have so much fun. 

One reason we (she) she didn't gamble that much was that we bought a time share condo. Yep, on April 2nd, 2001, at about 5:03 PM, we became very middle-aged. Probably start looking at mini-vans tomorrow. Well, it seemed a good idea at the time and now perhaps we can take vacation on a more regular basis than one every 3 1/2 years. (The condo itself is in Miami but there are thousands of resorts/condos we can exchange it for returning to LV or Hawaii or even save up lots of points to visit Europe.)

 Anyway, even in the reasonable, non-glittering air of Silverdale, it still seems like a good idea but we are also still amazed that boring old Brian and Wendi would do something so rash, so spur of the moment as to plunk down $12K to ensure future fun, fun, fun. Only in LV.

 (On the plus side, P and D recently plunked down nearly that much on motorcycles so we're still up on Harold and Tina Brownie Points.)  Still, we ended up spending a ton of money in Vegas yet not spending much on anything in terms of daily entertainment. A small black cloud. 

 Because I didn't get much done during the first half of Spring Break, now I've got to try to make up for it so it's off to work for the next four days. Besides which, with Wendi off work the rest of the week also, it's be at work or get stuff added to my "honey do" list. Such is the life of a middle aged man...

 Swing by if you are ever in town again. It's doubtful we'll be out of state again and would love to show you all the little we've done with the place. Steve, Gregg, same goes to you and I guess Jeff also.

Take care,

Brian