Ah, the Good Life

9/20/2011

Thanks to our new Netflix Streaming service, we have a large selection of movies/TV shows to watch whenever the fancy strikes us. (And our shitty-assed ISP isn't on the fritz.)

So Friday night, it was time to introduce the boy to some real culture.

The first episode of Star Trek we watched was "Arena". I picked it as there was a Mythbusters tie-in. Two seasons ago, the Myth Team built a bamboo cannon to see how affective it would be. (Note: If you find yourself locked in mortal combat with a Gorn, your best bet would be to hand this weapon to your enemy. It's a much greater threat to the person aiming it than the person being aimed at.)

So anyway, Xander was somewhat familiar with Arena and seemed to enjoy it. Granted, while the enemy slowly walked towards Capt. Kirk, Xander started shouting, "Run! Run!"

We should all be so involved in art.

So after that, it was "The Corbinite [?] Maneuver". No physical violence but lots of spaceship shooting. Granted, when Ballock showed up, Xander turned to me to tell me that if he had a nightmare, it would be my fault.

Sadly, at that point, Netflix or my ISP decided to cut out. %#€£¥!! So we finished the episode Saturday night. I myself have always found the Clint Howard character the most terrifying aspect of that particular show.

We finished up with "Balance of Terror".

By this time, Xander's enthusiasm was waning but I was enjoying myself. I suspect you all are like me in never actually watching ST on anything other than crappy old commercial TV. Well, in HD, sans advertisements it's a different experience. Further, 4 or 5 years ago, Paramount went all George Lucas on the series redoing just about all the special effects; especially the spaceflight scenes. Obviously, a tie in with HD but it adds a nice touch.

This was all lost on my dear wife, sadly. Seems she didn't spend her youth watching and rewatching The Five Year Mission. But Superfriends, she knows forward and backward. Her loss.

So that's the latest update on the Xander Front. In other vital news, this weekend marks JP Patches final public appearance. Sigh. Well, he gave us a good 45-50 years.

Adios, Julius Pierpont.

See you soon.

B.

Well, I Wonder If This How Most Land Barons Started Out

4/10/2011

Well, when we left off last night's Monopoly game, our first "for reals" attempt, Xander had the most money, Wendi had the most property and I had less than $100 and one of my properties was mortgaged. This was after roughly 90 minutes. It didn't look good. 

With the game being rather complicated for a 7 year old, he rather well: reading the property cards, figuring out how much he had to pay, how much change he would get, that sort of thing. In fact, the biggest challenge Xander had was in getting the right place value for his money; saying the property cost $20, instead of the proper $200. Handing us $7, instead of $70 for rent. 

Granted, he could just be a con man. 

Did I say this was his biggest challenge? Make that his second biggest challenge.  Numero Uno was in not fiddling with his money, rolling around on the floor (we played on the Living Room floor), refraining from the non-stop (and usually irrelevant) commentary and just generally driving his two opponents bonkers. 

Again, he might just be the master at mind games. 

Today, with a rainy cold afternoon, we thought we would pick right up where we left off. Xander almost immediately took a clear lead with the purchase of Boardwalk and Park Place, soon after putting down one, two and then three houses before Ms. Wendi and I had any monopolies of our own. Time for the two old folks to start swapping. I got two RRs and she got the Electric Company and 1/2 off all future train tickets. It still wasn't enough as Land Baron Xander added another house to the Royal Blue Properties and we were one unlucky roll away from losing everything. 

My nadir was soon after when I had to trade all my RR for one stay at Boardwalk. Like a (short) colossus, Xander bestrode the world of little real estate development. Our one advantage we had over him was years and years of haggling experience. And with it and a bit of luck (good luck for me/bad luck for him), things started to turn around. 

Sadly, he made a classic real estate mistake; one that many a former millionaire learned in 2008/09. He was property rich but cash poor. When he needed a large amount of money (like when landing on my North Carolina Avenue with 2 houses), it's a buyer's market. I got my RRs back and a promise of two free stays at any of his resorts. I could see the eyes go a bit misty but he accepted the deal and we moved on.

That is, till two turns later when he again landed on another pricey spot. This time he was going to have to sell houses. His beloved Boardwalk/Park Place houses. That's when the tears started. I seriously doubt Donald Trump ever cried while being held by Steve Wynn over a Las Vegas business deal that went south but that's what our little formerly wealthy speculator did. He spent the remainder of the game (just two more turns before we pulled the plug) being held by mommy while tearfully losing more and more of his filthy lucre. 

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Trump has acted like that when faced with similar situations a time or two. 

Mommy dared suggest we modify the "Pay $40 per house" Chance card to a mere $10 per. Not A Chance! Ya places yer bets, ya takes your chances. He'll thank me one day. 

On the post game walk around the neighborhood, Xander suggested we play "Stratego" next week. I'll think about it. 

Or maybe checkers.....

Swim Lessons

10/3/2010

Glad “Fame” rocked. This B Kid may just have a future in show business. R-Dub’s coming over tonight so we can go tonight. She forgot that today’s S’s Birthday, so I guess he’ll be eating cake all by himself. How monumentally sad.

Yesterday was a pretty good day (though, of course I woke too early. Why do I ever stay up late when I know I’ll just get up the same time as always?) Xander’s current swim lessons are over so Wendi and he’ll just go to open swim. (Wendi is just sure the Lifeguard will spot her cold sore and throw her out. You there! You in the water! Let me take a closer look at that lip!) His lesson time is now two hours before open swim so we’re not sure if he’ll stay with lessons.

Swim Instructor M is quite a card; while in the pool, he poured some water from his water bottle onto Xander’s head. Xander responded by loudly calling him a moron. (Darn that 101 Dalmations and its saucy language!) Hearing this, Wendi responded by turning into a pint-sized Hulk, picking up Xander by the ear and hurling him out the window, giving all his toys/clothes to charity, setting fire to his favorite stuffed animal Alex, renting out his room to his 2nd grade nemesis and then driving a truck over Xander repeatedly. Or something like that. I couldn’t get the details. Wendi was VERY NOT PLEASED and Xander was VERY contrite while describing the incident to me later.

Later, I taught Xander the Manly Art of Vacuuming, which was very exciting. He is now able to vacuum his room. And he and I went for a walk about the neighborhood. He is hunting for the cat that pooped in our yard last week. We also encountered some neighborhood kids about his age who were going door to door selling Cougar Valley fundraising stuff. Xander’s going to raise some money that way, too but only by the time-honored method of pestering relatives. Grab your checkbook, Tutu! Pretty sure CV kids aren’t supposed to sell door to door.

After that, we threw the tennis ball around. It’s one of those tennis ball/Velcro things. (Not really a mitt but more of a saucer-like device with Velcro on one side and a hand strap on the other.) Xander’s getting…better than he was at throwing. Still, there’s more enthusiasm than control.

Somewhere, he picked up the word “momentum” so everything was “momentum” this and “momentum” that to describe the throws. Sadly, Xander was using “momentum” when he really meant “velocity”. Sigh. He is going to be so embarrassed when I bring this up in the future….

We also tried to avoid the 2,432,501 new spider webs coating the entire property. I’m getting sick of doing my little arachnodance every time I walk into a web. Hope my neighbors don’t look out their back windows early in the mornings ‘cause I’ve just taken to swinging my arms around while walking out to the car. Clears the webs but I must look really goofy while do it.

Well, think I’ll celebrate my insomnia by going to the gym. It opens in 10 minutes

See you!

Brian

BTW: Blueberry Cream Cheese Tarts tomorrow!

Thrilling Celebrity Visit

9/26/2010

First, some background. For the past couple of weeks, Xander has been enthralled by “The Spiderwick Chronicles”; a series of five short books which detail the adventures of the modern-day Grace Family as I have read the books to him each night (two or three nights per books) and now he had all 5 books on CD borrowed from the Public Library. (He now has suggestions for my dramatic readings….)

In addition to the set of 5 books, he also now has Arthur Spiderwick’s Field Guide to Fantastical Creatures, again borrowed from the Library, so the young man is has become the expert on these types of creatures. Still a little fuzzy on whether they actually, you know, exist but in a 7-year-old’s mind, that’s not as important as how friggin’ cool they are.

There are worse ways to live.

Just on a whim, I recently rented the Spiderwick movie which came out about 2 years ago and is loosely based on the books. About 24 minutes in, he decided he’d rather have me read to him upstairs. Xander is still pretty cautious about PG movies. That is, he gets scared. Oh, well. Maybe when he’s 8.

However, a cheesy movie is nothing compared to the other momentous occurrence from yesterday; a tooth fell out! From Xander. (We’re not that old.) So this presented an opportunity to interact with a real live faerie! Again, he’s still on the fence about the reality of the situation. He is, however, convinced that cold, hard cash will be coming his way. The Tooth Faerie leaves 3 one dollar coins (which, are gold-colored, btw) under his pillow. Of money’s reality, there is no doubt.

Since she would be stopping by, Xander thought he might ask an expert a question that’s been bugging him. With Mommy’s help, he produced the below letter….

 …and tucked it under his pillow. Well, to our astonishment, Xander found a reply under pillow (along with the customary $3) this morning.

 The note from TF reads as follows:

Dear Xander,

Thanks you, for your letter kind,

It shows a bright and curious mind,

And for your letter and your tooth,

I shall gift you with the truth,

Yes! Fairies, my child, are everywhere,

Though you might never glimpse them there.

                                     The Tooth Fairy

I didn’t have the heart to mention (aloud) that the second comma was superfluous and breaks the meter. Things like that have a way of getting back to the Source and causing trouble but this is now an heirloom which shall be handed down for generations of Hardys to come. Truly a red letter day.

Time to get back to mundane existence. I need to fill out some HMO paperwork, the lawn needs mowing and the ice dispenser is jammed again.

Sigh. A 7 year old’s world sounds pretty friggin’ cool sometimes…

Brian

Happy Birthday to You!

7/24/2010

Well, Xander has survived his 7th birthday. Though he didn’t get much in the way of presents. In fact, the only concrete thing he had to show for the day are two tiny plastic rabbits and a corresponding little hutch. Some kids would be dissatisfied with such a haul but not X-man. He picked out the bunnies himself while at Toys R Us where we were ordering him a bike. Not the 24” monster the “expert” recommended. At 20” wheels, he was barely able to stand up and reaching for the handbrakes was iffy at best. I foresaw many crashes as my son, my heir, furiously tried to apply the non-existent foot brakes. So we went with the smaller bike which needed to be special ordered. A larger bike would have lasted longer but he wouldn’t have.

Earlier in the day, we went to brother-in-law Stuart (and Britt ’s house for a housewarming. It’s a very nice house and he and his new bride will be very happy there. They very kindly bought a small cake for Xander AND had some ponies delivered so all the little kids (including very grown-up 7 year olds) could take pony rides. So, Xander did have both cake and a pony ride on his birthday; just not through any effort from his parents.

As we were leaving, Xander started his long good-bye routine where he’ll go around to EVERYONE at the party to give them a so long, farewell there. Since we knew exactly 7 people out of the 45 or so there, most looked upon this young man with bemusement. However, his no-fun parents hurried him up; eager to be on their way.

The same thing happened at his Great Grandpa Hardy’s Wake. The Viewing was another matter. Xander simply started crying when we got to the funeral home and didn’t stop the whole time. This despite wiping lots of tears/mucus onto my shoulder. He is very sensitive about how people feel around him. Wendi decided he didn’t need to go to the cemetery and so went directly to Grandpa’s house where mounds of food, candy and drink soothed his pain.

And as we were leaving, he made his rounds of the entire house, giving everyone: relative, friends of Grandpa, neighbors, caterer a big, heartfelt hug as he left. No doubt he’ll out grow this habit but not too soon, I hope.

Well, the day ended with Xander crushing both his parents in games of Trouble and Uno. (For like the zillionth time in a row. Good thing I am above caring about that sort of thing…)

Well, it’s time to go read to the little fellow. Thanks for reading this far and I hope to see you soon.

Brian

Rough Week

6/5/2010

I am here at Olympic Gymnastics where Xander is having a birthday party for one of his school friends. Basically, you rent the whole place for two hours.  When we first started coming here about 3 years ago, we hit upon the idea of having a party here so Xander wouldn’t spend his whole gymnastics class crying. It worked, though now he takes karate lessons instead of gymnastics. They are not the highlight of his week. Life’s tough, kid.

Wendi did not have a good day, yesterday. The morning was spent in Xander’s classroom. He was not as improved as she hoped. Last week, after consulting with his pediatrician, both his school’s OT and Group Health’s OT, his teacher, school counselor, and our own 20+ years’ experience, we decided to go the ADHD medication route. Not something we’re happy with even with our pretty extensive knowledge on the topic. Everybody we talked to said the same thing, “We’re not recommending this per say, but other kids like Xander have had real improvement in school….” (Fill in the rest of the sentence mentally.)

Well, his classroom teacher agreed that the improvement hasn’t been as dramatic as we’d hoped. Wendi consulted with the doctor again and they agreed to double X’s current dose. (It is now a normal dosage for a boy X’s age and weight.) Both W. and I are big supporters of Science-Based Medicine (as opposed to getting medical advice from infomercials or, [shudder] Oprah)  so this shouldn’t be a big deal but it still leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

After the classroom, Wendi went home and took a short nap. She hasn’t been sleeping well, or sometimes at all. Well, her 30-minute cat nap lasted hours instead and she had to rush to Cougar Valley to pick X up at 3:30. So much for any plans. But coming home was when the real trouble started. Here’s some background. We have wild rabbits in the neighborhood; little brown things we sometimes see in our front yard at dawn and dusk. (Granted, we may just being seeing the same rabbit over and over.)

Well, as the two were driving home, just about to our driveway, Wendi pointed out a rabbit by the roadside to Xander. A rabbit just sitting by the edge of the road. Not hopping away like other rabbits would be inclined to do. (Do you see where this is going ‘cause at this point Wendi sure hasn’t, bless her heart!) Well, upon a closer inspection, it wasn’t the Braveheart of Bunnies but one “headed towards the light”. It was still breathing and there wasn’t any visible trauma but the lack of movement and the head tilt meant it was probably a virus that lagomorphs are susceptible to.

At this point, Xander’s panicking in the backseat and Wendi’s no doubt wishing with ALL HER MIGHT that she could take back the previous 2 minutes. Not too long before, our beloved last rabbit Grover had died and Xander was inconsolable for days afterwards. It was an awful experience for all involved.

Seems the rabbit wasn’t all dead but just mostly dead so Wendi put it in the passenger seat and raced home. (And started speed dialing me but I was at the gym, having left my phone in the car.) She had a phone consultation with Xander’s doctor at 4:00 so she had to get home. So, she put Bugs into a box with a nice towel and some carrots and left him out on the deck because her “friend” once told her that “rabbits like to be outside when they are sick. It helps them.”

Note: Every time a lie is told, take a drink!

At this point, the Doctor calls and while the two adults are trying to converse on medical issues, Alexander is shouting at mommy, “Tell the doctor to call somebody who knows about rabbits!!”  At this point, “the doctor” told Wendi that the bunny would be okay as long as it was left alone. With the curtains closed. So it was time for the healing power of TV so Xander got his weekly dose of Scooby-Doo.

(At this point, an oblivious husband and father has finished his workout and leisurely strolls to his car. What’s this? Ah, his phone. Hmmm…Someone has been calling.)

With son safely entranced by 30-year-old cartoons, Wendi went out to the garage, out the door, snuck out to the infirmary and flung the corpse into the bushes just off the deck. A bit later, mother and son decided to check on the patient and were delighted to see that the patient had miraculously recovered. (Do we really need quotation marks anymore?) Xander went back to TV and Wendi continued to phone her useless husband, finally getting through. The gist of the message I got was that only a moron would go without his phone at a time like this and I was to sneak home, find the dearly departed, fling him even farther into the bushes. Way farther. And then come home to hear all about the delightful outcome. Which I hadn’t heard about beforehand.

So that was it. Over the next few days, we kept a sharp look out for our rabbit we even did see a wild rabbit or two over the next few weeks. And that was good enough for Xander. And us.

I guess the moral of the story is that people lie. Parents lie. A lot.

Not sure that’s a moral. Maybe that’s just life.

Waiting for the Tylenol to Kick In

5/1/2010

Had a nice evening with the Ls last night. We brought over some Costco food and Wendi’s award winning casserole * and that seemed to go over well enough.

About 10:00, we left bringing J with us. It was terribly cute. When J decided he wanted to go, he immediately started packing his backpack. Don’t know what all he brought but he seemed happy.

The original plan was that we would leave early rather than “hella-late” but the time got away from us. Right now, the boys are sleeping under a huge pile of blankets under Xander’s bed. It was a close thing last night. Wendi and I were almost taking bets as to which boy would stop talking and fall asleep first. They just went on and on and on…

Speaking of the gift of gab, while the boys were playing downstairs, Xander landed hard on the little rocking horse and shouted out, “Ow! I hurt my nuts!!” Wendi attempted to discipline him about poor language while keeping a straight face but Ginger didn’t even try and just turned quickly towards the wall.

Where does he pick this stuff up?!?

I was also very amused to hear X correct J’s grammar on the way home. “…Mouses.” “No, ‘mice’.”

I’ll bring the little dude back home about the same time the boy goes to swimming lessons: about 10:00. With how late they were up, they will probably be fine sleeping in till then. Everything is too exciting.

Another topic. Wendi promised that today will be my birthday day. Well, it’s technically Saturday (has been for about 3 minutes) and I don’t see any dancing girls so what the hell???

I should probably go back to sleep. Wish me luck.

B.

*Note: Not actually award winning.

A Father’s Curse

11/19/2008

The time: 1972 or 73

The Place: 101st North, Seattle, WA

One Larry Hardy, young father with 4 fine young sons, is engaged in a bit of home improvement owing to a bit of toilet trouble. After much work with various tools and much colorful language, he manages to extract one Granny Smith apple, with one tiny bite taken out of it. Though this was years before “CSI” introduced America to the exciting world of criminal forensics, Larry decides only a 4 or 5 year old would: A) have such small teeth, B) be dumb enough to try to flush an apple. Young Brian feels the consequences both immediate (a swat to the rear) and long term. Though he’s too busy crying to realize this, he has also been saddled with that most awful of burdens: The Father’s Curse!

Fast forward roughly 35 years.

Brian and Wendi are downstairs watching the delightful movie “Stardust”. Xander is upstairs having been tucked in though he can get up to go pee if necessary. Just pee.

“Dad!....Dad!”

“What?”

“I lost my toothbush!”

“How did that happen?”

“It got flushed!”

(Sigh) “I’ll be right up.”

The next day, I take a trip to Home Depot, then to Shucks (to get the type of flexible grabber the Home Depot Guy recommended), onto Sears (as Shucks was all out of grabbers), then back home to try it. Failing my goal but managing to loosen a good amount of toilet paper  and other even less desirable floaties, back to Home Depot to get a plastic drum auger and a pair of gloves (Holy #$#@! Toilet water’s really cold when it’s 36 degrees outside!) and much, much auguring (is that a word?) while Xander watches and comments on my progress. (Or lack thereof.)

At the point of giving up and admitting defeat, I’m reeling in my line. (Xander made several high-larious fishing jokes during this time) when what do I see but a $3.00 blue and pink SpongeBob Squarepants toothbush. Victory.  

Flex Grab-$7

Auger-$25

SB-SP Toothbrush $3

All the money and time invested pales in comparison to the JOY I will feel, sometime in the 2030s or 2040s, when I hear a story from my son about having spent a $#@*&! day up to his elbows in Arctic poo-water because his Bone-Head of a Child decided to try to destroy the evidence of some crime by giving it a burial at sea.

Let it be noted: On March 29th, 2008, I invoke The Father’s Curse!

I have spoken.

Best Laid Plans

7/4/2008

Yesterday, June 29th, 2008, for the first time, Alexander Hardy went to a movie: Pixar’s Wall-E. I figure it was a sure bet. Pixar? Rated G movie? Air conditioned theater? Who wouldn’t be fascinated by the adventures of a plucky little robot trapped in a dystopian Earth, 700 years into the future?

(Just for the curious, Wendi’s first movie going experience was with Bambi and mine was Blazing Saddles. One of us clearly married up but I still don’t know who.)

So, it was a packed house, with LOTS of kids. Seems I wasn’t the only one with a brilliant idea yesterday.

T-Minus 9 Minutes to Show Time

Daddy, is this the movie?

No son. These are commercials for Nickeldeon.

T-Minus 6 Minutes to Show Time

Is it over? Can we go home?

No dear, now the commercials are over.

T-Minus 2 Minutes to Show Time.

Was that it? Is it over?

No, that was the short movie they show before the main attraction.

Start of Movie +3 Minutes

What’s the robot doing? Where are the people? What’s that bug?

Shhhhh. I don’t know. Watch the movie.

Start of Movie +11 Minutes

It’s loud. Can we go? What is that robot doing?

I. Don’t. Know. Shhhhh!

Start of Movie +24 Minutes

I’m scared. What’s that guy doing? Can I have popcorn?

Shhh! He’s the space ship captain. Yes, you can. Later.

The next 60-some minutes saw our little boy cringing in fear, asking to leave, asking for lots of popcorn, asking numerous questions about the movie and finally, crying. These same 60 minutes saw my darling wife suggest we leave and glaring at me.

(I found out on the way home that her absolutely least favorite movies are those with dystopian Earths. What were the odds?!?)

Well, I enjoyed the move, if not the ride home. It took lots of ice cream to sooth everyone’s nerves.

Another childhood experience turned traumatic. First, there was the bird feeding house at Woodland Park Zoo. Then the Butterfly House, again at WP Zoo.

At least hiring all those clowns for his 5th birthday party next month is sure to be hit!

Sigh,

B.

But son, you are not alone,

In proving foresight may be vain;

The best laid plans of mice and dads,

Go often askew,

And leave us nothing but grief and pain,

For promised joy.

We Took Xander to the Democratic Caucus Last Weekend

2/11/2008

He’s been quite the traveler of late. Especially late at night. Over the past few evenings, after being tucked in, Xander has “feeled” (his word) my contacts, dropped my contacts, “cleaned” my contacts and has now gorged himself on water and rubbed my Axe Deodorant Stick all over himself. Now he’s very bloated and the whole upstairs is “Smelling Like a Hunk of Man Candy”. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t wear the stuff either. At my age, Tums are more my candy of choice.

Somehow, this will all be my fault.

Seriously, we need to put a bell on this kid. Or maybe just tie him to his bed.

Brian “Old Man Candy” Hardy