What I have Learned
8/2003
A) Babies Crap a lot.
Okay this wasn’t a complete shock but to paraphrase from the movie Roxanne, I knew they pooped a lot but I didn’t think it was….A LOT, if you get my meaning.
B) Babies make an amazing variety of sounds.
Naturally, the farting sounds are terribly amusing; no need for explanation there. His burps are also good fun though he’s not much of an enthusiastic burper. (The books all say this is standard with breast fed ones.) However, where the little one really shines is in the area of vocalization. He can go from a Grandma Jeanne pseudo laughing bark (“pseudo” because he’s not really laughing at this point, just testing out a new set of lungs) to an enraged dolphin wail. (Nothing pseudo about this-he’s just pissed.) Still no sign of a coo. Will keep you posted.
C) A newborn’s smile, while rare and probably in no way related to his emotional state, is something of great wonder and amusement.
D) To those who are in the “going to have a baby someday” category, you will spend A LOT of money at Target (and/or Babies R Us and/Sears and/or yadda, yadda, yadda….)
We have just completed what we think will be our last “newborn” purchase of a stroller. Granted, the Wife and I will never feel brave enough to actually take the boy outside but we felt it was important for appearance’s sake. What makes this all a Greek Tragedy is that in 6 to 8 months, we will need to upgrade everything from newborn to just regular old infant. And after that, it’ll be a shift from infant to toddler.
On the bright side, anyone with enough foresight to have a baby in, say 8 to 12 months will have loads of really cool* stuff given to you. What you save might be enough to start a college fund for the Pride and Joy.
*BTW: The definition of “really cool stuff” changes quite drastically. Old RCS? A DVD burner or chain saw. New RCS? Diaper rash cream which really works or one piece baby outfits which are easy to put on and take off. Fun stuff.
E) There are few things as disturbing as the sound of a slowly awakening baby coming over the baby monitor. You’ve never seen two adults stare so intently at something with “Fisher Price” written on it, as if by Shear Willpower Alone could enable that monitor to keep that baby asleep.
F) A mother’s voice or father’s arms got NOTHING on the dulcet tones of a Sears 2.2 HP Wet/Dry Vac for getting a little one to drop off to sleep. We have a 60 minute cassette at the ready both upstairs and down.
H) Being able to “baby talk” is not an instinctive talent. It’s possible that it may take until I’m a grandparent myself before my adult-newborn conversation is anymore scintillating than, “So…boy…I am changing your diaper now….Uh…How about that?”
G) Also working well is being rocked in the car seat after which we’ll just leave him in the seat. He spends a lot of his sleeping time looking all ready to go on a trip.
I) It’s really hard to throw away a broken TV.
Not really keeping with the theme but something I learned nevertheless.
J) Speaking of throwing things away, garbage bills jump dramatically when a newborn comes along.
Before Baby, we got along with one 32 gallon can (often put out half-full on Sunday) and half-hearted recycling effort. After Baby, you won’t be able to keep up with a 52-gallon can and recycling like hell. At least once a month, dragging out two cans will be required.
K) Whatever it is, it’s the father’s fault.
Your life will be much simpler if you just accept that now.
L) Because Mother Nature did a better job at equipping some of us in the Seeing to The Baby’s Needs Department, it is easy for the non-lactating among us to overcompensate by a constant hovering about asking, “Do you need anything?” This hovering can get might annoying at times.
M) The only thing more aggravating, more dangerous than Item L is NOT being available and at hand when the need arises.
N) Breast milk is an amazing substance.
Not only is it great food, but it also has been recommended for other purposes as well. One possible use, one I’d be willing to try though Wendi is not, is to clear up Xander’s newborn acne. Another use, one I am not willing to try, is as a contact lens cleaning solution.
O) Closed captioning is a must.
In either a “high decibel environment” or one where you’re trying to be as quiet as possible, the ability to follow the movie or TV show is a real bonus.
P) Back to the poop again. Not only is there a lot of it (See Part A) but it takes bizarre forms as well.
I have seen it bubbling out like some sort of carbonated crap; poop pop if you will. One of my co-workers confirmed this is a normal occurrence so, while this is disturbing in a “that just ain’t right” sort of way, it’s not actually cause for concern in terms of his health.
Also, that stuff can really shoot out of him. On a couple of occasions, Wendi has watched in horror as he’s “jumped” the end of the changing pad, making it to the carpet below.
Q) People like giving us Winnie-the-Pooh albums. I mean they really like giving us Winnie-the-Pooh albums. We loved every one of them. J (As did Target love exchanging them.)
R) Wills are a pain.
Correction. Wills can be a pain if you’re trying to use the family lawyer 200 miles away and thus, have to rely on phone conversations and e-mail. Also, as mouth pieces charge by the hour, the more taciturn spouse should be the one to handle all communication. Shoot the breeze with your barber, your dry cleaner or your neighbor. Don’t shoot the breeze with your lawyer. The only phone conversation that will cost you more is a “976” phone number with some girl named Bambi on the other end.
BTW: Just so you know, Brother Jeff gets the kid if we croak. (The Ws will look after him till Jeff arrives.) Tina will look after the college trust fund. If the same meteor wipes out the entire family, what clams we’ve squirreled away will go to the college funds for the younger relatives with a chunk going to the House Rabbit Society.
No doubt we’ll be changing the above stipulations when the will gets done several years’ hence. Situations change and it would be foolish to think that what holds true in ’03 will be true in ’10.
Thinking about it all; the future and what kind of person we want Alexander to be; I’m comforted by how many resources he will have at his disposal. Not really financial resources (though there is some of that) but in terms of learning opportunities. He’ll have both the “Do a bit of everything” gusto from the Hardy/Berrys as well as the “be a mover and a shaker” of the Heaths.
Stuart, you teach him about the law and how to make it work for you. Sister Holly, teach him to be a lethal weapon in the corporate world. Harold, teach him about persistence and learning from one’s mistakes. Dad, you teach him to be handy about the house and how to build everything. Jeff, he can learn about entrepreneurship from you. Steve, while cyborg status isn’t a goal, if he could pick up a bit of your computer smarts, that would be good. And Auntie B., you teach him tradition and family history.
What else? Music? Who has got music? (Actually, who doesn’t have music in this brood?) Oh yeah, kindness and trustworthiness? I guess those are good too. Somebody better take those. How about financial smarts? Don’t leave it to me! And how about dealing with the opposite sex? That would be good to know. (Or so I am told.) Anybody know about cars?....
S) The final thing I’ve learned is that a reasonably fast typist can put down quite a few words (1,389 so far) while watching, rocking, attempting to comfort a fussy baby and giving the mother a chance to catch up on all the sleep she missed the night before.
And that may be the greatest lesson of all….
Time to at least start getting ready for work. School starts in two days. Eeeeek! Then again, it’s so quiet and peaceful at work.
B.