The Best Laid Plans
11/23/2013
Well, yesterday was supposed to “The Night”. We were no longer worried about some body part falling off my wife were she to visit me upstairs. (If ya know what I mean, wink, wink.)
Sadly, That Source of All Evil: Mrs. P organized a swimming party at the Bainbridge Pool last night from 5:00 to 7:00. That meant the two of us spent a couple of sweltering hours watching the Spawn frolic in the water. Okay, get the kid some fast food he can chow down on the long traffic-y ride home.
Get home, he wants to watch something. Uh…DwTS? Nope. It’s still a 2 hour show and neither of us adults got a whole lot of sleep the previous night. Wendi woke about 2ish and had great trouble falling asleep. I woke up at my usual time of 5:50ish and quietly got ready to go; keeping all the lights off so as to not disturb the Sleeping Beauty below. (Actually, if I so much as change my mind somewhere in the house, Wendi is instantly awake but I keep trying.)
I was just about ready to leave when I realized that I’d gotten up at 4:50ish instead. So both of us were working from a serious sleep deficit.
Okay, I pick It’s Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown. Only a half hour. Done! Wait! Xander has started the 2nd Charlie Brown special on the DVD, which is “Watch Pilgrims Starve and Die of Dysentery, Charlie Brown.” Seriously. Quite depressing. And not very romantic. But only another 30 minutes. But now we are well past 9:30. Danger Zone!
So, the holiday DVD is done. As it’s Friday, Wendi goes upstairs to read to the boy. Ideally, something quick. And tiring for the child. Downstairs, I am enjoying my Friday 39 Minutes of xBox Fun. Whoo-hoo!
Then, tragedy strikes. About 20 minutes into my game session, Xander comes down to tell me his mother has fallen asleep while reading to him.
Sad Trombone Sound Here.
I trudge upstairs and get the wife (who is now under the pile of pillows and blankets Xander thoughtfully dumped on her) awake long enough to get into bed. And turn down the $#@@!! heat ‘cause if she’s in an actual bed (and not on the downstairs couch with her top half propped up on pillows), then we don’t need the thermostat so blasted high.
Wendi sleeps and, with no adults to stop me, I play Bioshock till about 2:00 AM. :(
Well, into mid-morning, I hear Xander rummaging in the pantry for sustenance so I get out of bed and go feed him. Wendi soon follows. We both get plenty of sleep, at least but sadly, all that horizontal sleeping has caused my Wife’s face to swell. No, J, not “Pumpkinhead” swollen but enough to convince her that she’s not quite done with sleeping downstairs.
More trombone.
So, the plan now is to get the darn kid asleep as early as possible; tranquilizer dart to the ass if needed. Or, we could just let him sleep outside. Character-buiding. Whatever.
And, once that’s accomplished, Wendi will visit me upstairs (again, wink, wink). Once she done visiting me, I’ll kick her ass back downstairs and get some shut-eye. Get the light and make sure the door’s closed on your way out, woman. See you in the morning.
I am either a very lucky man. Or a very unlucky one. Whichever it is, wish me luck!
Brian
PS Best “Laid” Plans? Get it? Laid? It’s a euphemism. For visit me upstairs. Which is another euphemism. For “business time”.
Oh, for Pete’s Sake, do I have to spell everything out to you people?