My Plans (Apologies for the Length)
11/10/2002
JB,
Wendi told me earlier she'd talked with you this morning and you told her you'd take care of the getting a sub for Tuesday and Wednesday. Thanks. The wife's also trying to get ahold of A so he can help J plan out a bit.
As silly as this sounds, this is all very sudden. Yes, the doctors did give us a 1 to 3 month diagnosis but in my mind, it was going be closer to 3 than 1. We chatted nicely yesterday morning. I took some pictures with her and my brother Gregg, my cousin and her daughter came by. All pretty normal. Mom wasn't in super condition; it was very hard to understand what she was saying but she was tracking the conversations well enough. We tried to get her to swallow an anti-nausea pill so she could eat something more substantial than root beer floats (her 'food' of choice over the past few days) without vomiting. For some reason, it just went downhill from there. She was gone within an extremely long 90 minutes.
I wouldn't wish death from lung cancer on anybody. It was not terribly peaceful though I don't think she was in any physical pain but her body was struggling for breath and that was difficult to bear and will be a painful memory.
However, she died at home surrounded by her sister, three of her sons and her wonderful caregiver. In the previous two weeks, she'd had a chance to talk with/make peace with all the important folks in her life. At the end, Aunt B and brother sang her favorite songs to her while holding her hands. Mom, though dying, still managed to joke, smile and even try to sing along right up to the end. There are worse ways to go...
This is the first death of someone close to me I've ever experienced. The last one in the family was my Grandpa and I was 4 years old and didn't really know him at all. I don't know how I feel about all this. Anguished about the suffering she endured. (Not a whole lot but she was my mother and all.) Relieved that "it's over". Glad that my older brothers who lived in the same town, can get on with their lives. I'm also very saddened that our future kids won't get a chance to know "Grandma Jean" like my nieces all did. Mostly, it's just a feeling of disconnect. We cleaned out her tiny little house today and it felt like being in a very odd play. Is this it? Is this all we come to? Deciding who gets what and trying to make sure the bills are paid? Sigh...
Mostly, I'm just exhausted. Tired of being sad, tired of reliving those painful last breaths or just thinking, "She and I were talking just 24 hours ago". Mostly, just tired of thinking. I need a mind colonic in the worst way. Sure wish I'd brought the Game Cube. :)
The memorial service is next Saturday. We're having a public shindig at a local resort and then a smaller gathering at my eldest brother's house just for family. My Mom was a very popular writer for the local newspaper so we're concerned that too many people might show up. Who knows with these things?
We will probably just make that trip an overnighter. (Though I know I could take more time if needed.) I for one am looking forwarded to some sort of normalcy returning. Well, normalcy starting up.
As Wendi mentioned, I plan to be back to work on Thursday. There's a day or two of settling up stuff here. And I'd like a bit of time to readjust to Silverdale life. However, my plans may include sneaking in one night to work on grades. I'll get more done with nobody around and I'm not ready to say anything meaningful to the inevitable question, "How you doing?" (Maybe a button that says "Sad, but that's okay!".)
You would've liked my Mom, I think. She had the "little old country lady" bit down to a high art.
But, like her youngest son, she had to write about things to figure out what she thought on a subject (but Mom had the courtesy to NOT e-mail her musings to poor, unsuspecting souls).
Share if you wish with the staff. R's been kept up to date as of this morning but that's about it. However, this shouldn't be a shock to anyone as they all seemed to know the reason for all the time off.
Thanks for listening and being a good boss.
Brian