Another Year Another Fridge Saga
Sent: Friday, May 11, 2018 3:17 PM
Subject: Potential Threat at CC
This morning, local authorities were notified of a potentially grave danger at a local elementary school. Specialized Disaster Response Teams, at the county, state and Federal level will be called in next week to assess and deal with this toxic situation.
“It’s a damnable stinky situation!” said SSgt. Wink Tinkleson of the Washington State Hideous Appliance Task Force (WaSHATF) , “Some of those victuals have been in there since the Obama Administration! I’ve known many a (5th grade) teacher and they’ll eat anything put in front of them! Or really, put anywhere near them!”
First Assistance Response Teams will be removing and destroying anything unlabeled and icky by no later than the middle of next week.
Stay tuned.
CK School District Redundant Department of Redundancy.
Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2018 7:55 AM
Subject: The Big Chill - Day 1
It was with a smile on my face and a song in my heart that I approached Day 1 of Refrigerator Excavation. Since it had been only a mere 12 months since my last Epic Cleaning Adventure, (now available in eBook at your local B. Dalton!) how much more could there be to do?
Sigh. Turns out plenty.
Well, opening the door on the right hand refrigerator, I encountered an old friend.
Same awesome duct tape. Same suspicious liquid sloshing around inside. When I am a braver man, I will actually try opening it. Possibly on the day of my retirement in 2083.
As always, I started at the bottom and worked my way up. (Pause for ribald comments) My first discovery; in the produce drawers, was downright delightful.
A 5lb. bag of baby carrots. Not expired. So, I left it there. There’s got to be a story here.
However, my delight will turn to….a slightly weaker form of “delight” if these suckers don’t get eaten in the next 30-some days. Get on it, people!
The rest of the fridge part was downright dull. Keep climbing.
What soon jumped out at me was how many of the items in the freezer also had a starring role in my first Magnum Opus from 12 months ago. This sucker for instance.
The snarky comment on top is from today but the “Up For Grabs” blue one on the side there? That’s a genuine Hardy Post-It, circa May of ’17.
Guess nobody felt like grabbing it.
There were three such huge 1-gallon sherbet containers, all full or nearly so and quite vintage. Clyde stopped by and said he’d gladly take one of the sherbets home and off he merrily went.
He must have assumed I am always speechless with a look of horror on my face when throwing out food.
Ten minutes later, C was back (and, to my surprise, alive). He said he’d actually opened it and, well, he just wasn’t that brave.
So, who ever had “Col. Clyde, The Library, Rainbow Sherbet” in the CC Elemetary version of Clue is just out of luck.
There were 4 concentrated juice cans in the door shelves but they too, were a bit past their prime.
Don’t know if you can make it out but right next to the BB date of May 2015, is an inspection time of both 08:35 and 08:37. Get it right, guys! I just can’t believe all the hooey we had to put up with before America Got Great Again!
This leads to a bit of a quandary. The oldest stuff in here should have Best By dates of no later than May of 2017. So either whoever did this job last time was a complete moron OR somebody at this institution of learning is trying to punk me.
The first explanation does NOT necessarily preclude the second.
The oldest thing? (Besides that green water bottle left over from the Great War) The honor goes to these Kool Pops.
Best By Feb. 2012. Much less bester by May, 2018. Couldn’t even convince C to take a sample.
The grossest thing? That one’s easy. No contest. I’ll not think less of you if you need to avert your eyes.
Not sure what the expiration date was but, it’s… edamame! (shudder)
One last thing to share; this one as nearly as wonderful as the baby carrots. Rooting around, I pulled this artifact out.
It’s a plastic bag, correctly labeled in legible handwriting (I’m talking to you, “Ab”!) with name and date. Just how it should be! Why can’t we all show such attention to detail!?!
Mrs. Z, I salute you!
What was in this Exemplar of Exactitude?
Not a damn thing.
But still, were it to contain something, I would definitely know whose it was and when it was put into the freezer.
So, Mrs. Z’s in first place. In something.
A note on upcoming installments. Due to, well, work, I won’t be able to tackle the cooling unit on the sinister side till Thursday at the earliest. While I was happily throwing this and that away this afternoon, Mrs. Anita came in to check on and label the PTA frozen treats.
And according to Anita (who’s Southern so I just agree with everything she says-Trust me on this one, guys!) the freezer hadn’t really kept everything frozen. That may be the cause of the funky smell and also means there will be a lot of things tossed into the garbage my next go around.
And all the while, the two guys below will be glaring at me.
Back to work,
Major Tom
Deep Thought Post Script. If a “freezer” isn’t really freezing things, what should it be called?.........
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2018 7:45 AM
Subject: Curiouser and Curiouser. Day 2
Yesterday after work, Mrs. S was actually cleaning the Staff Room (as opposed to whatever the heck I’m currently doing) and so I just poked around the edges, staying out of her way. I’ll get serious this PM. And speaking of:
Seriously?
Not saying that each and every one of those (one, two, three…) seven (7!) coffee makers isn’t a valued member of the CC Elementary Family but maybe we could possibly send a few away? Just a thought.
I am trying to dry out the ones that had liquid still in them. The photo from the inside of device second from the left is simply too heinous for polite company. Or even you guys. I recommend incineration.
For the coffee pot.
The saddest item?
One stirrer (?). No power cord. Even if it was less pathetic (and there is another mixer in the cupboards), do we do a whole lot of mixing here at CC? If memory serves, we heat baked potatoes here. That’s it. Anyone feel a strong emotional attachment to Culinary Science’s Top Innovation of 1982?
And finally…
No idea but you might be seeing this again at the Awards Ceremony.
Back to work.
Mr. H