2020 Texts Part Two
The early plague years: April to July of 2020
April 9th.
Chef Bri's Favorite Lock-Down Recipes!
Well, going through the Grab and Go Bucket, I am surprised to see a couple of our ERBars are nearing the end of their 5-year shelf life. Time to make lemons into lemonade!
Step 1: Move it to the kitchen!
Step 2: Carefully remove the bag.
Yum!
Step 3: Dice it.
Step 4: Serve with garnish.
Delicious!
In a dry block of dusty graham cracker way.
And I've got 2 more to finish by the end of the month!
Maybe if you put it in a smoothie? Or, does that defeat the purpose? 😂
Just give them to the squirrels Bri.
I feel like you should hydrate it somehow.
Yeah, I use spit to moisten it.
...
My own.
And you'll wish you'd been a little more appreciative of my recipes when we're celebrating our 6th month of Shelter In
(Author’s Sarcastaside*: Yeah, six month’s would be unthinkable.)
*”Sarcastaside” Portmanteau of sarcastic and aside. Use in writing is a strong indicator of the writer’s pomposity. As is the use of the word pomposity.
April 7th
How can we look up what Kansas schools are doing?
Kansas? We're following Kansas's lead?? Alabama was too ritzy for us?
Ha haaaa!!
April 7th
The quarantine is getting to me. I suddenly feel the need to get a bucket of food for my family. I feel woefully unprepared for disaster because I don't have freeze dried food.
As I drive by later today, I'll thrown a couple of my expired food bricks at your house. No need to thank me; I'm just that awesome.
I'm almost done with my dyno-bites then I'll draft something. The team can beef it up 😍
Whoa whoa!! You're already to the Dino-bites? Pass yourself, girl.
I'm saving mine till June.
Darnit! "Pace yourself".
Apr. 8th
Go look at your minivan.
You’re awesome! Thank you so much. Ava was very excited about the gym and Sam was excited about the mask. I am excited about the toilet paper 😂😂
And thank you for labeling the bleach.
Just make sure to wipe down everything. Who knows where that bag has been. 😷
Gym? I included a gym? My memory is going...
Gum. Why does gum autocorrect to gym? What is my phone trying to tell me?!?!
Gum! Yes, gum. That makes more sense.
Apr. 10th
After 3 days of observation, I have yet to see any squirrels eating out of the "spicy" bird feeders on the right.
I'd call that a win!
April 11th
Okay, nothing like your nearly 4 weeks of lockdown to really focus on what's important in a marriage. WHAT is this container of disinfecting wipes called?
I eagerly await your responses.
-I'd call it a pack of clorox wipes. Yeah, sounds right.
I'd say "L, go get the pack of clorox wipes." L replies "We don't have 'CLOROX' wipes." I sigh "You know what I mean..."
Thanks for bringing that up Brian. Just thanks.
-I don't think I ever clarified the container it's in, but I always just call them wipes.
-We call it a pack. -Ha, ha!! Yup I call it a pack of wipes, too.
-Yes. That's there are three kinds. Baby wipes, face wipes and Clorox wipes...
Who is winning Brian?
I said "bag" and she said "box".
We both lost.
But she lost more.
Apr. 16th.
Wendi has been unleashed on the garage so it looks MUCH better now. She’s also tending to her crops; we have 5 or 6 plants out in the greenhouse. The rest are doing well in the Plantinator. (I sent you a photo, yes?)
Last night, we spent over an hour watching videos on growing potatoes in 5-gallon buckets......Not sure if this is a good thing....
One of my humor fantasies (yes, I have them. Stop judging me.) is making a parody of Ken Burn’s The Civil War. Something brilliant like, “Ken Burn’s Shelter in Place”. People recount the horror of getting their Amazon order cancelled while old-timey photos of an empty amazon cart slowly floats across the screen. Meanwhile (again with that old timey look), we have some dignified (sadly, this probably means old and white) actor: Sam Waterson, Jeff Daniels, Garrison Keillor, reading off the President’s tweets.
Yeah, that would be a hoot.
...
Well, I’ve procrastinated long enough. Best turn 15 degrees to the right and start working on the Chromebook.
Adios.
...
Oh, and Xander continues his buttheaded ways. I’m out of sunflowers seeds and am down to 5 gum packs. And my weight set, ordered over a month ago, will NEVER get delivered. Situation looks grim.
...
This is the REAL tragedy of C-19. This beauty hasn’t moved in weeks.
Apr. 17th
Call it! 1:57-Brian is dressed!!
(Wendi’s working outside.)
Good job Bri!
Apr. 18th
Can I do a door drop off at your house?
Sure. We’d like $20s and $50s.
Ok mr moneybags! I want to give you ur bday present early cuz I’m bored and require a good laugh!
The most clandestine delivery has been made
Time to get back to my nude gardening!
Now you tell me
April 21st
I'll share it with you when I get back from my walk. Mama needs a break.
Yeah, I hear you. My Fitbit's asking if I still have legs.
Apr. 22nd
Still waiting. You finish “The Good Place”? I am dying to discuss the show with a respected and trusted friend. But you’ll have to do.
...
😂
...
Apr. 24th
I made pickled eggs today.
And planted some lavender.
.....
These are not...completely analogous experiences.
But I thought you might want to know.
I just farted
Thought you’d want to know
Apr. 24th
Anyway, Wendi's Amazon order came in. The TINIEST rolls of TP. I guess East Asians have really small butts. Not like our supersized ‘Merican f’tasses!
However, it's what W could get a subscription for.
🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻 (Actual size)
Lol! The last pack I picked up at rite aid.. the rolls are so big they don't fit my dispenser.
Apr. 26th
Yo, B! I joined the Google classroom as DJ so I can lurk around.
Just thought you should know.
Thanks. I haven’t figured out how to add B yet. Have you added BR? I know there’s an email with directions but i saw that S already had trouble so I didn’t even try.
You are talking giving them substitute access?
Yeah, that’s somewhere on my To-Do List. Haven’t really looked into it.
I figure giving BR access to Moby Max AND our G-CR is a good start.
My goal for today is to Castify my first math lesson so it can go on-line first thing tomorrow. Big Step. I also need to add some brown (or carbon) to our new compost barrel. I’m thinking dead leaves, sticks, newspapers, and a truckload of shredded cardboard. (If only I could go back 2 months to get a hay bale!)
It’s “new” only in the sense of new to us. The Bs weren’t using it so X and I picked it up yesterday.
Today, Xander is attempting bagels.
And shredding a truckload of cardboard.
.....
Brian’s “List of Things I Would Purchase If I Could Go Back To February 1st” just keeps getting longer and longer.
And loonier.
I’m with you on that list. Who would’ve thought I really wanted wood cleaner.
April 26th
Recently, Wendi and I spent over an hour watching videos on how to grow potatoes in 5-gallon buckets.
I would not say Google Meets is a priority.
Google Meats now....
May 3rd
Hey, how goes things? Sorry I took so long getting back to you about the time.
Didn't realize I hadn't sent "Whatever the...." text until after my facial. And that was after my 3 hour hair cut.
I know: white people problems. 😭
July 4th
The Dumbest Suicide Attempt.
The time: Thursday night.
The victim and his wife are watching TV and he decides to do two things at once: First, he pops a few extremely minty gum balls into his mouth and starts chewing with gusto. While he’s getting a good minty mouth, the victim takes out his foam roller to do some stretching exercises to loosen up his oft painful neck and shoulders. The first step of the physical therapy regime involves lying flat on the roller with his head hanging over the end; allowing him to slowly tilt his head back.
Gravity working even on really dumb people, all that delightful mouth mintyness pours into the victim’s nasal cavity. What was the feeling of freshness has now turned to a nasal inferno. Lying on the floor, the victim starts to cough and choke. With his last bit of strength, he gets upright, tilts his head back and waits for gravity to save him from being the subject of the World’s Lamest Autopsy Report. Victim’s wife can only look on at this sad, sad scene in despair.
I’m trying really hard not to laugh. 😂